OPINION
Christine
Recently our youngest child got married. She is 24, so not a child at all but she was living at home until married.
In the weeks leading up to the wedding, I started to notice a shift in my thinking and reactions.
There were some things I knew would end and was quite happy about. Such as being woken up when she came home late. However, other everyday happenings started to affect me in a manner that surprised me. For example, I was hanging some washing for her as she was busy with wedding prep and it was a way I could help her. As I pegged the items to the clothes line I realised it was likely the last time I would hang out her washing at the family home. To my surprise, I started to cry.
It was a jolt, as I realised there was something deeper going on, but what? It wasn’t because she was going, otherwise, I would’ve felt the same when each of her four older siblings had left home.
It was about mothering. For 37 years there had been washing to hang. And now it was about to end. It wasn’t the washing: it was the end of an era. Oddly, it felt like grief and I knew that was it. To every beginning, there is an end. The joy and deep purpose of bringing children into our family was an easy message to receive. Although, as we had more children, the approval subtly moved to disapproval (not so subtle in some cases) but that’s a different story.
I don’t recall hearing about the sense of loss and grief as the last child leaves the nest. More often than not, a vocal relief is expressed through to an attitude of getting one’s life back.
Now I’ve had a couple of weeks to ponder my thoughts and reactions, I have a better understanding and can be gentle and nurturing to myself as I process this time.
Know that whatever time you are in will pass. In times of overwhelm and exhaustion, remind yourself of this. Take seriously the factoring in of rest and rejuvenation to guard yourself from resentment and escapism. You really don’t want to look back on missed opportunities. Time does go by very quickly even though you’re knee-deep in nappies, broken sleep and a child arguing with you.
When that time passes, the next period of life has already started.
If you love, you will grieve. Those two cannot be separated. Find someone who understands this and will support you as you navigate the grief. It will pass. Be careful in what you share with those who look forward to their children going back to school or leaving home. They won’t understand and your tears and reaction to your child leaving will probably create a response of scorn as their attitude is defended.
If you haven’t already, I encourage you to give careful thought to creating your philosophy of mothering. Many go through these years reacting to rather than planning and finding purpose. Regularly revisit your philosophy and fine-tune it; read books, listen to podcasts, get wise advice and give yourself mini life-audits. Accept mistakes and regrets and formulate how to improve; rejoice, and be proud of all the many things that underscore your success in the career of being a mother: a mysterious, deeply satisfying career of many years, well beyond young children. Embracing this career has been the most satisfying thing I could have done in my life. I knew it would be good but I didn’t how good until I lived it.
So what for me now? I still am a mother: it just looks different. Our adult children still seek our company and a chat with many confidences shared. I love these times.
We have one grandchild and look forward to more. Being grandparents is a deeply purposeful new role: a duty and a privilege.
We are downsizing to what is required for just the two of us. All those extra blankets, utensils, furniture, etc, are offered to our family or donated to bless others. Our family of two doesn’t need what a family of seven did.
We can now plan for some travel without disrupting family or being away too long. We are planning for retirement and our responsibility to be able to provide for ourselves and assist and support our growing family when needed. I am looking forward to this time in life; I miss having children around but what a joy as I watch them form their family units. It’s as it should be.
When I visit, I will look for the little things I can do to help and, you never know, I might get to hang their washing again!