SATIRE
Rosemary Abbott
BODY ON THE LINE
David Seymour has put his money where his mouth is.
The ACT leader has been outspoken about the Hurricanes Poua’s team haka, saying the team should focus less on politics and more on training.
To demonstrate his commitment to the cause, Seymour has generously offered himself up as a human tackle bag.
“I’ve seen more focus in a kindergarten finger-painting class than in the Hurricanes Poua’s recent performances. If they put as much effort into their training as they do into their political posturing, we might have a winning team on our hands,” Seymour proclaimed, moments before absorbing yet another bone-jarring tackle from a Women’s Hurricanes player.
Seymour’s sacrifice of his own body comes after the Poua caused a controversy last weekend with their pre-match haka against Manawa, calling the coalition government “redneck”. Last night they used another haka before its win against Matatu, also with references to the government and to Te Tiriti o Waitangi.
Once again picking himself up off the ground after feeling like he’d run into a brick wall, Seymour continued to talk while semi-concussed.
“I’m starting to think my political career prepared me well for this – always getting back up, no matter how hard the hit,” he asserted, displaying both resilience and a touch of humour in the face of his unexpected role as a tackling dummy.
The Hurricanes Poua must now decide whether to embrace using David Seymour as a tackle bag, or stick to their politically charged haka routine.