Satire (Until Enough Vote for Me)

With 11% undecided voters out there Old Conspiracists want your vote. Centre leaning, but so far we’re right.

Below is our vision for a future New Zealand;

Basic Human Rights

The Bill of Rights will be written into constitutional law so future governments can’t bugger things up for us. That said, you’ll be so happy with us that we’ll be the nation’s caretaker for many years to come. Note the use of caretaker as opposed to the ruling party. We’re looking after the country for everyone, including future generations, not ruling over it.

No medical procedures will be forced on anyone.

If you’re a Kiwi and you want to be in New Zealand then we’ll move the stars to make sure this is where you are. There will be no barriers to coming home.

For every new law enacted two existing laws will be removed. This will give pause to the current open season on the addition of laws to the system just to keep a legal team busy.

Governance

We will put the servant back into public servant. We’re here to work for you, not the other way around. We’ll spend less time in Wellington and more time in our constituencies. With today’s technology, the voters will get more of a say in day-to-day issues that affect them directly. It’s not for multiple-home owners on $140k per year to dictate what’s right for someone living in a van if they’re not prepared to talk to them.

If someone wants to exercise their rights and protest on the front lawn of Parliament we’ll be down there on day one to see what needs to be done.

We’ll put an end to all MSM funding. We will re-establish the Fourth Estate as an independent entity that reports on the news fairly and objectively, ending biased and creative journalism.

We will not dismiss other parties’ ideas for the sole reason of being the opposition. Everyone has good ideas and no one person or party has all the solutions or ideas. We understand that for some things a collective approach will yield the quickest and best solutions. Buy in, even from the opposition, will benefit the nation in a more timely and cost-effective way.

Other parties will have equal access and the opportunity to have their voices reach the public. The ‘Podium of Truth’ will not be hijacked by any one party for political gain. If we’re doing a good job then we shouldn’t be afraid of the other parties’ voices. All parties need to be held to account to ensure everyone is represented.

We believe in one person, one vote.

We will limit the number of terms for a list MP to no more than two terms. This will ensure there is fresh blood whilst removing troughers at the same time. There will be no limit on the number of terms for an elected MP. If elected then the public want you there, if you’re a list MP then your party wants you there.

We will review the MMP system to ensure it is still a fit for the current times.

Health

We will put an end to all mandates.

We will launch a full enquiry into the handling of the COVID pandemic including a thorough look at spending.

We will make public the deal with big pharma: full transparency as promised yet not delivered by the current cohort.

We will promote healthier lifestyles as the right alternative to big pharma. We will use money destined for big pharma cons for actual health initiatives.

The WHO. Great band. Particularly fond of Baba O’Riley and Boris the Spider.

Finance

We will review taxes and where they are spent; i.e. roading taxes need to be spent on roads and not siphoned off.

We will put a stop to minimum wage increases, new public holidays and sick days whilst a full review of the cost of living takes place. To continually increase expenses for businesses to do business is a circular trap that will further increase the cost of living. The root cause of our financial hardship as a nation is that the cost of living is too high. Throwing money at that sort of problem, especially other people’s money, is only adding fuel to the fire.

We will end all vanity projects, except the slide that is to be rebuilt on Parliament lawn. This will be built with a plaque dedicating it to Labour and Trevor as a reminder to us all of the downward slide of society, our rights and our financial wellbeing under their leadership.

We will put a stop to He Puapua.

We will put a stop to 3 Waters.

We will put a stop the racial division of the health sector. There’s a certain point where you have to take some personal responsibility for your own health.

We will put an end to all future asset grabs and racial division. We will wind up the Treaty Tribunal. Understand that we’re a nation of 5 million and enough generations have passed that it’s now about the money and nothing else. There are only so many times you can be tried for the same crime and found guilty. If you are still poor and struggling then next time you’re at the marae ask your elders where the billions of dollars have gone rather than asking the government for more. It’s in the interests of a few Maori elites to keep you poor so they can keep returning to the trough. Until you hold them to account your situation will not change.

We will make it more attractive to work and contribute to society rather than sit at home on a benefit. Beneficiaries and job seekers will be considered employed by the State and as such will be expected to do community work hours each week to continue to qualify until they find other employers. This may be picking up rubbish in a park, removing graffiti or helping in an administrative role somewhere but they need to understand that the benefit, by its very name, is a benefit and it’s intended to be a hand-up, not a hand-out.

Benefits will be paid to a debit card that can only be used for basic commodities. If you want the bells and whistles in life then you have to earn them. The State isn’t here to fund your addictions.

Crime

Gangs are gone, outlawed. We’ll have a ‘patch buy back scheme’ but it won’t cost us a cent. We’ll even come to your pad to pick them up.

We will pushback on the 501 programme if they’re not a Kiwi and/or don’t want to be here. We will provide better support for those who do come back with zero tolerance for offending.

Prisons have had a 25% reduction in guests whilst retaining the same funding. We pledge to top up the prison population.

We’ll ensure those working in prisons are role models themselves for a better society.

It’s time for the Police to meet their promise of ‘Safer Communities Together’. The onus will move back to the Police to provide exactly that. They will answer to the people and not be a jackboot for the government. This isn’t the time to be playing toy soldiers whilst there is real gunfire on the streets. There’s no room for wokeness when dealing with crime. If racism is a crime then let’s not adjust the law based on race. Do the crime, do the time.

Rather than fund bollards for shops that may be ram-raided we’ll tackle the ram-raiders themselves. Parents will be held to account for those too young for the legal system.

We’ll spend the $30-million destined for a gun register on crime eradication rather than further penalising law-abiding citizens. Let’s be honest, the guy with the illegal firearm isn’t going to log it on the register so the money is being wasted before a dollar is spent.

Cancel Culture

We’ll move to put an end to cancel culture. The trans community are a great example of this currently. They’re mostly a great group of people with a positive vibe but a few need to be careful not to cancel biological women in the crossfire of their crusade. By their very own wording some of them identify as women. In that wording alone you’re admitting that you’re not a woman but identifying as one. I wholeheartedly respect your gender choices but do not confuse gender and sex. Do not seek to exclude others in your efforts for an all-inclusive society.

Demanding inclusiveness through exclusion needs to be stopped.

Climate Change

We’ll stop sending money to Paris.

We’ll work on cleaning up our own backyard first.

We’ll rescind the non-nuclear pledge to provide cleaner electricity to New Zealand.

We’ll drop the clean car and ute tax until the infrastructure is ready for a move to EVs. EV technology, availability and affordability have to be ready before the move also.

We’ll reopen drilling and mining to reduce our global dependency and costs.

We’ll move to close Tiwai Point so we can have cheaper electricity in the South Island instead of subsidising an offshore company.

Education

Children always have been, and remain, the future. We’ll create an education system that prepares kids for the real world. We’ll remove wokeness and install fiscal responsibility and employment law modules. Education will become as much a look forward to the future institution as it is a reflect and learn from the past.

We’ll remove race-based quotas from tertiary education. If you want to do first-year medicine then qualify for it on educational merit rather than meeting a race-based quota. Taking a space from someone who may have succeeded when you won’t pass the first year is not productive or conducive to a better future.

We’ll re-energise apprenticeship programmes.

We won’t lie to you; the immediate future isn’t bright. There’s no beer and skittles to be had as a nation for a while. We’re actually in for a horrible time whilst we sort this mess out. If we don’t have the answer we’ll say we don’t have the answer, rather than offer excuses and lay blame elsewhere, but we’ll go out of our way to find the right answers. It’s going to be a tough slog whilst we sort all this out collectively, as one nation and one people, but we will sort this out. This will not be solved dictatorially. It’s that approach that’s gotten us into this fine mess.