SATIRE
Rosemary Abbott
SNAIL MAIL
The New Zealand Electoral Commission declared that from now on, the “Special Votes” will be officially known as “Annoyingly Slow Votes.” This announcement comes after years of complaints and confusion surrounding the time it takes to tally the “special votes” cast during the NZ election campaign.
To the casual observer, the confusion is understandable. On this year’s election night, it took mere hours to count more than 2.2 million votes, but the remaining 500,000 “special” votes for some reason are expected to take at least two weeks.
Jim Saundercock, a prominent figure within the Electoral Commission, explained how change is coming.
“No longer will New Zealanders have to wait anxiously for weeks to learn the results of these slow-motion ballots. Instead, they will be able to adjust their expectations accordingly, as the votes will now be known as ‘Annoyingly Slow Votes’. Perhaps they can even plan holidays or take up new hobbies to pass the time during the vote-counting saga.” Saundercock said, convincing absolutely nobody in the small press gathering that the problem will be resolved.
Critics, however, have been quick to point out that this renaming doesn’t address the core issue: the snail’s pace at which the “Annoyingly Slow Votes” are counted. Some have suggested that instead of a name change, the Electoral Commission should invest in some high-speed calculators, or even outsource the counting process to the world’s fastest snails.
Wellingtonian Mabel McQuirk, 29, said, “I mean, it’s nice that they’re trying to make the process more transparent, but it’s like putting lipstick on a sloth. If anything, renaming these votes “annoyingly slow votes” will make them even slower!
“We just want to move on with our lives.”