SATIRE
Kay O’Lacey
Under the spectre of a looming jet fuel shortage in New Zealand, attributed by many as being due to the closure of the Marsden Point Refinery, the NZ Government has announced a new initiative to tackle the issue.
“We’re expecting a lot more fuel supply problems in the future, but realise that most people don’t understand or appreciate the positive climate impact of shipping finished fuels across the globe to NZ, then back again when they don’t make the grade. This is all due to misinformation of course.”
“We’ve decided that, instead of fixing the problem by building a new state-of-the-art refinery, we’ll just double down, as usual! Following dozens of hui across the motu with iwi partners, and talking to one white guy who would actually speak to us, we’ve decided to open a new chapter in Aotearoa aerospace industry built entirely on scientific principles of Matauranga Maori.”
“The plan involves moving all air travel internationally and domestically to a new breed of hydrogen-floated, hydrogen-powered airships. This initiative has been code-named HAZARD, which stands for “Hydrogen Aotearoa Zepplins, with the last three letters being a nod to Dear Leader Ardern.”
“Giant airships with eco-friendly wooden frames and cabins hand-crafted by Maori artisans will be powered by engines burning the very hydrogen that floats them. Talk about a good idea!”.
“They’ll be at the forefront of our new hydrogen economy and be able to dock anywhere, so no airports are really needed”.
When the Auckland mayor was asked for his thoughts, he seemed rather cool on the idea saying:
“We wouldn’t be keen to see these things docking in central Auckland – on the Sky Tower for example – as there have been ‘problems’ in the past with hydrogen airships. I’ve also done a few quick calculations and don’t think that running these things from the same fuel as is floating them is such a good idea. According to my calculations, the airship would consume enough of its hydrogen on a trip starting, say, in Auckland that it would lose buoyancy, hitting the ground somewhere in the Waikato. Even so, it would still have enough hydrogen on board to cause a massive explosion, sufficient to completely wipe out a small town the size of Morrinsville”.
Others jumped on the bandwagon saying that “wiping out Morrinsville would indeed be a shame – especially as it would be a bit late anyhow”.
Government officials were quick to slam Wayne Brown’s assessments with Willie Jackson quoted as saying “we’re sick of these haters knocking all of our good ideas. What do they know about airships anyhoo? Stay in your lane, Wayne!”
The public has been cautioned that this will be ‘no quick fix’ to the current jet fuel shortage and that the maiden flight is not expected ‘before completion of the Auckland light rail project’. In another nod both to Dear Leader, and another famous airship, the first airship has already been christened the “Jacindenberg”.