The Minister for Treaty Negotiations, Andrew Little, has settled the long-running and fractious dispute created by Helen Clark and Margaret Wilson. He has agreed that Maori have full and final ownership of all foreshore and seabed – making it law under a state of emergency.
Speaking from the Whare Taonga (treasure house) – the newly repurposed Parliamentary Chamber, he said, “This is a historic moment for the world and another first for our kind and brave Ardern Government.
“Although it goes against our progressive ideals of holding everything in common we have decided to privatise the whole coastline and seabed by returning it to Maori Iwi exclusively – privatising it for their personal use and ownership.
“It also must be noted”, he said, “that the concepts of what the boundaries of foreshore and seabed mean to Maori are very different culturally to what the racist, colonialist, white supremacist patriarchy have laid down in the past.
“Maori Scholars, products of our best Universities and steeped in tikanga (Maori customs) have assured me – if you can see the sea from where you are standing then you are on the foreshore. Those non-Maori with a sea view need to start vacating their illegal occupation pronto.
“The seabed under matauranga (Maori knowledge) is also not limited by Western ideas of national boundaries and zones. The seabed to Maori means the whole seabed – as far as the eye can see – and farther.
“As we all have recently learned from the experts, Maori were the world’s top seafarers. They were sailing and laying claim to the world’s oceans long before my European ancestors dragged their knuckles to the beach and dipped their toes into the cold seas. The whole seabed has always belonged to Maori.
“To expedite this renewed ownership, Jacinda, after winning all 120 seats, thereby rendering parliament moot, will retire to her rightful place as head of the UN. She plans to replace the Security Council with a Treaty Settlement Council to decide which iwi get what in the divvy up of the world’s seabeds. Any UN dissenters will be given a hug and told to be kind.”
“This will also neatly solve the increasingly thorny problem of whakama (shame, disgrace) due to some iwi elites getting caught with their fingers in the till – the flow of cash from International settlements will be enormous so it should be more than they can spend in a lifetime.
“Law firms the length and breadth of Aotearoa are busily establishing new departments to handle all the international work. Expectation is that it should keep them in Bentleys and villas on the French Riviera for the foreseeable future, so a win all round.”
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