SATIRE
Sir Bob Jones
Below, a typical Stuff story re David Seymour.
Last week ACT leader David Seymour brutally shocked Stuff journalists at a press conference when he boldly declared, “one and one make two”.
A female reporter promptly fainted while another vomited. Many male reporters present emerged ashen faced and plainly traumatised. The wider condemnatory reactions have been swift.
Massey University Sociology Professor James Wilson said, “Seymour’s unthinking simplicity should be strongly condemned. Does an apple pip alongside a mature Granny Smith constitute two? This sort of arrogance from a now mathematical public figure is simply appalling.”
“Utter bastardry”, declared Mavis O’Brien, President of the Welfare Recipients’ Rights Association. “Seymour takes us for fools. We get his message loud and clear in this poorly disguised attack on welfare recipients’ fundamental right to a decent life without having to justify themselves.”
Waikato University’s Professor of Maori Wonderfulness, Rata Murphy, said Seymour’s outburst was plainly a disgusting racist attack against Maoridom. He added he was planning a hikoi to march down the North Island to Parliament in protest and had hired twelve buses for that purpose.
Television’s John Campbell is reportedly bed-ridden, thus missing his daily line-dancing session and is in a distressed state after pooing in his best lace panties after reading Seymour’s disgusting assertion.
Opposition leader Chris Hipkins expressed his shock. “I was so upset I dropped my teddy bear just as I was putting it to bed”.
In an editorial Stuff’s “The Post” wrote, “Our ancestors who fought and died opposing fascism must be rolling in their graves. Their sacrifice was in vain if Seymour is allowed to get away with this loathsome attack on struggling Kiwi battlers.
The Prime Minister, Chris Luxon, when pressed by Stuff as to what action he planned, disgracefully ducked for cover, asserting ACT is an independent party outside of his authority.
Asked whether he was shocked by Seymour’s vile outburst, he said he did not see it as an issue but personally had also subscribed to the view that one and one makes two.
This abominable failure in political leadership, moreso following Seymour’s recidivist behaviour given his despicable assertion only a fortnight earlier that the cat sat on the mat, leaves Stuff to the clear conclusion, the current government’s lack of a moral compass is a serious threat to the nation’s general well-being.
BUY Your Own Copy of Sir Bob’s Latest Book Today.
