SATIRE

There has been a lot of discussion lately about the government’s intended ‘crackdown’ on gangs. This one follows the four or five earlier crackdowns promised by previous governments. All stymied by a lack of testicular fortitude in the face of liberal hand-wringing. The latest proposed measures have attracted the usual scorn from academics and media types. On the other hand, those of us in the neo-fascist community (meetings bi-monthly at the Red Fox Tavern – ladies bring a plate) think they don’t go far enough.

I think it is very important to consider the possibility that on any given topic I may be talking absolute bollocks. If I am, my wife can be relied upon to point it out. In the interests of a happy domestic life, I do not return the favour. But in this case, I have decided to reach across the divide and consult an ‘expert’ to learn why I (and the government) could be wrong about gangs.

Dwayne Limpet is a professor of criminology at the University of Waikato. His publications include Captain Cook Made Me Do It: Colonialism and Crime and Car Conversion: A Treaty Perspective.

JB: What makes you an expert on gangs?

Professor Limpet: I have studied gangs for twenty years from a sociological perspective. Recently, I had a valuable opportunity for a closer study from a victim perspective, when several Mongrel Mob members invaded my house, robbed me and kidnapped my wife.  I have also watched all three Godfather movies.

My wife is doing fine by the way. She sent me an email last Saturday asking for a divorce and announcing her intention to marry ‘Pig Face’, one of her captors. I wish her every happiness.

JB: Why do people join gangs?

DL: We all belong to gangs. I myself was a member of the chess club at school. Now I have my Pilates group and my square dancing nights.

JB: But the difference is that these are not criminal gangs. Although I do strongly support the outlawing of square dancing.

DL: They provide the same sense of belonging and identity. We also have similar initiation rituals. For the Mongrel Mob it is submitting to a severe beating by their fellow gang members. For my square dancing club, new members have to dance the whole night in a pair of wet jandals. The chances of a stubbed toe are high.

JB: But criminal gangs are a problem for society. Your square dancing is a matter only for you and your psychiatrist.

DL: These so-called criminal gangs are made up of two marginalised groups: Maori and sadomasochist sex fiend drug addicts. We must ensure the needs of both groups are met by society.

JB: What about the way these gangs treat women? Surely you can’t approve?

DL: The only evidence I have seen of the way they treat women was the way Pig Face treated my wife when he made love to her on our living room carpet as I looked on tied to an armchair. And he seemed quite tender.

JB: Don’t gangs control the drug trade in this country?

DL: Only the illegal one. Cigarettes are still sold by white people with names like Graham or Martin.

JB: More like guys named Dravid and Manesh who run the local dairy. But can’t you see the difference between cigarettes and say, meth?

DL: They’re just as addictive.

JB: Perhaps, but no one ever robs a bank gacked up on a packet of Rothmans.

DL: Gangs are only providing what people want. Be it a kilo of methamphetamine, a hot car stereo or the motivation to pay your gambling debts and keep your knee caps.

JB: What about gang patches? Don’t they make people feel intimidated?

DL: It’s a matter of taste. Some people are intimidated by a horned devil’s head engulfed in flames surrounded by the words ‘Head Hunters’. For me it’s a crisp white shirt with a badge that reads ‘The Church of the Latter Day Saints’. I have had bad experiences with Mormons.

JB: Do you see any solutions to the gang problem?

DL: There is no gang problem. But I do see a way forward. I outlined it in a paper called Gangster’s Paradise: A vision for Aotearoa. It was a collaboration between myself and Pig Face.

JB: What was the nature of the collaboration?

DL: I typed it while Pig Face held the sawn-off shotgun to the back of my head. It calls for a reorganisation of New Zealand society along gang lines. Society needs to change, not the gangs.  

JB: That’s ambitious.

DL: We don’t need fewer gangs, we need more. A process of decolonisation will return Maori to their tribal roots. Pakeha will be able to discover the joys of communal living too. Fifty people sharing the same toilet certainly breaks down social barriers.

JB: What advice would you give the government then?

DL: To embrace gangs. Aside from the assault, murder, drive-by shootings, robbery, extortion, drug dealing and rape, they are just like the rest of us.

My debut novel is available at TrossPublishing.co.nz. I have had my work published in the Australian Spectator, the New Zealand Herald and several on-line publications. One of the only right-wing people...