SATIRE
Gordon Lightfoot
Local thief and former Green MP Golriz Ghahraman has allegedly been asked by police to cooperate in a time saving exercise, as an attempt to clear up this whole mess she’s gotten herself into.
‘The Ponsonby Pincher’, who now has a fourth charge of shoplifting laid against her (from a third shop) believes that it would be easier to write a list of clothing shops she hasn’t stolen from, rather than a list of shops she has.
“It’s hard to keep track of what things I’ve paid for and what things I haven’t. It becomes a bit of a blur when you like high-value retail goods as much as I do,” said Ms. Ghahraman.
Despite facing up to three months in prison for the total value of goods she has stolen, Ghahraman appears confident, as do her supporters in New Zealand’s media, that she made a simple mistake and will get diversion.
“I have a mental health issue that made me act in ways that were out of character. It was a simple mistake that could happen to anyone,” she said, still smiling.
Detective Laura Walden, a thirty-year-old woman with a high-pressure job (who has never felt the sudden urge to become a common thief), believes there are a few shops that can be ruled out quickly.
“Glassons, Dotti, Pagani. I think we can rule these three out straight away. Farmers, Cotton On… basically anything that sells clothing at a reasonable price,” she said, making a relatively short list.
“I think at this stage, we can safely assume that any shop that Ms Ghahraman has set foot in is likely to have had goods taken without payment.
“Any shop that claims to be ‘designer’ or some sort of ‘boutique’ has probably been targeted,” she said.
Getting Ghahraman to write a list of shops she hasn’t victimised is widely considered a novel approach by police, as it requires the accused to cooperate truthfully.
“Look, if we get a list from her that’s great, but we’ll be taking it with a big grain of salt.”