Alwyn Poole

Alwyn Poole founded and was the head of Mt Hobson Middle School in Auckland for 18 years. MH Academy is now an in person private school for Years 11–13. There is now a nationwide online provision called Mt Hobson Academy Connected for Years 1–13.

Stardate: Last Thursday at 8pm.

I left Cambridge with 157 km to travel to the North Shore of Auckland. I was aware that I had the use of the 110 km Waikato Expressway and the Auckland Motorway. Both my leaving point and destination were close to on/off ramps. I estimated one hour 40 mins for the trip – without troubling the speed cameras.

I was incredibly impressed that Waka Konetahi managed to get this trip to take me three hours … an average of just over 50kmph. On the way there were three major detours. There were also three other road-works sets and one 70kmph one that went for five kms with no sign at all of a pot-hole mission. One of the re-directions had a detour within a detour. The detour through Papakura managed to create complete gridlock with hundreds of truckies looking more frustrated than David Tua trying to land an owesome punch on Lennox Lewis. The city detour took traffic right down the water front and then to Victoria Park and to a situation where it was one lane to the top of the Harbour Bridge.

I assume someone is in charge but they are clearly a mercurial genius.

Then there are the CONES.

We have heard the term Cone-ageddon. It is worse as my next trip was to and from the Bay of Islands. I believe it is now right to call New Zealand Orangeatearoa – ‘the land of the tall orange cone’.

I believe that we have been softened up right back to when Jeremy Coney was involved in NZ cricket.

I understand that Sam Cone is a potential captain for Scott Robertson’s first All Black Squad.

There are rumours that the cones are about to organise politically and form an ‘Orange Party’. This may confuse our Dutch community but we have a Green party already. I understand the the member for Rimutaka is considering defecting and leading the Orange Conies.

With the explosion of the Auckland sewage system and denigration of the city’s beaches… with all of the allocated cones in the area do we now have a ‘Sewers Conal’?

Could we name another waterway after the great couple… Pamela Stephenson and Billy Connelly and call it the ‘Pamela Conal’?

Are they breeding or c(l)oning?

If you accidentally sit on a clone do you need to get a ‘cone-aloscopy’? If the cone has to be surgically removed is that an ‘cone-o-dectomy’?

Are we planning university qualifications in coning? The geometry of cones? The history of cones? Clone-al spacial awareness? The manufacturing technology of cones? Health and safety distribution of cones including the logistics of transport?

New Zealand used to be the country of three million people and 20 million sheep? What is the current ratio of people to cones?

Truck-loads of cones are heading north, south, east and west. I have also seen cones dying in their duty to our nation.

It has taken me a week to realise the genius in this for the military/strategic protection of our nation. Here it is:

Should we be invaded – and let’s assume Tauranga as the landing point.

The invaders need to be coned and detoured through – Matamata, Te Awamutu (it is too cruel to send them through Morrinsville), Otorohanga, Te Kuiti, Taumaranui, National Park, across to Turangi, then Waiouru, Hunterville, Marton, Whanganui and then Palmerston North (to be greeted by John Cleese). This will not only demoralise all soldiers but many will simply die of boredom. If any invaders are left alive at that point they can be mobbed by cones and Waka Konetahi bureaucrats and sent to the Shannon gulags.

Like many New Zealanders I regret not having invented, manufactured and invested in the ubiquitous cone. But I do appreciate the travel and strategic safety.

Please share your cone stories and safety. In a multicultural society we must show kind-ness to our orange brothers from other mothers.

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