SATIRE
It was only a matter of time before the wokerati set their sights on science. After worming their obsessions with identity into every aspect of the arts, making economics all about disparity rather than prosperity and turning history into a Marvel movie of noble indigenous against evil colonialists, science is the only land left to conquer. But conquer it they must, because science – the grappling with the hard truths of our world from as objective a vantage point as possible – is their mortal enemy. As Ben Shapiro has been known to say, “Facts don’t care about your feelings,” and the woke are all about the feels. The new curriculum (in its draft form at least) ignores the old fashioned disciplines of chemistry, physics and biology for a vague melange of ‘contexts’ that are more amenable to the insertion of woke concerns.
To better understand these changes to the science curriculum I sought out one of its authors. Dr Sally Moonbeam Jackson is a lecturer in the Philosophy of Science at Waikato University and the author of a number of important scientific papers including The Racism of Atoms, Apron String theory – Patriarchal Oppression in Physics and Transgenderism Among African Dung Beetles – A Ten Year Study.
John Black: Let’s start with what prompted these changes.
Dr Jackson: It was felt that the traditional subjects and approach of science were lacking.
JB: Lacking what exactly?
DRJ: Science is riddled with biases and assumptions. Take one of science’s founding myths – Archimedes taking a bath and discovering water displacement…‘Eureka’ and all that. Here we have a white man displaying his privilege– taking a bath is not something everyone in society can do, as you’ll know if you’ve ever taken a bus in Auckland. We also only know Archimedes’ perspective – what about his servants who had to witness an eighty-year-old man dancing naked and screaming ‘Eureka!’ at them? This could well be a form of sexual harassment. The incident is also highly anthropocentric – we care about Archimedes’ revelation but never about the bath. How did a slab of hollowed-out marble feel about being used for scientific research? History is silent on the matter.
JB: So was the bath, I imagine. The draft curriculum proposes 5 contexts: ‘the Earth system, biodiversity, food, energy and water, infectious diseases and “at the cutting edge”. These replace the traditional divisions of science into physics, chemistry and biology…why?
DRJ: ‘Divisions’ is the key word. These divisions are the product of repressed, usually bald, men in lab coats trying to classify the world. Whereas the truth is everything is interconnected and reality is an illusion. Something I have confirmed with my own private research involving some really great acid I got from a guy who cleans the university cafeteria.
JB: I see. There seems to be a change in emphasis from knowledge to ‘action’. There has been a similar change elsewhere in the school curriculum. Why do academics feel the need to create a generation of know-nothing activists?
DRJ: The challenges of our world demand it. Climate change, misinformation and the next National-Act Government are challenges to human civilisation that simply must be overcome.
JB: But surely students must learn basic scientific facts first?
DRJ: These children have a deep ignorance that is truly profound. They know nothing but the most important thing of all – all knowledge is suspect. They are committed to radical stupidity and I respect them for it.
JB: So that’s why there is no mention of Einstein but ten references to that great scientific mind, Greta Thunberg?
DRJ: Greta is an inspirational figure. She has so many disadvantages – she’s young, female and Swedish. Imagine going through life talking like that chef off The Muppets. Einstein on the other hand may have revolutionised science but he supported the terrorist state of Israel…so that cancels out all his achievements forever.
JB: How can we take the science curriculum seriously when it refuses to acknowledge that gender is binary?
DRJ: You are mistaken. Gender is a multiplicity. There are people of twelve different genders just in the Waikato University staff room alone.
JB: I’m sure there are. I was speaking of the real world…
DRJ: There is nothing more real than Professor Dreiser. Or her two-metre-long beard…
JB: There is no mention of ‘atom’ or ‘molecule’ in the draft document but fifty references to ‘Matauranga Maori’ – which as eminent scientist Richard Dawkins has pointed out is a spiritual concept.
DRJ: Science must be inclusive. It must include hard facts and superstitious nonsense.
JB: Finally, professor, what credentials do you have personally to advocate for this radical change in the teaching of science in schools?
DRJ: I spent ten years with dung beetles in the Kalahari Desert.
JB: So you are an expert at pushing shit up a hill?
DRJ: Exactly.