Nigel X. Fink, 13, is desperate to escape his dysfunctional family. He emails “weird” billionaires for cash, promoting himself as an up and coming entrepreneur and “fanatical capitalist” while his family plummets into poverty in “Aotearoa.”
WARNING!!!!!
Cigarette smoking, vaping, drinking alcohol and being a spineless, grovelling comrade citizen can be injurious to your health. Neither of the main characters in this book promote or endorse the aforementioned.
NOTE: Spelling and punctuation can be problematic for Nigel X. Fink, a product of the modern education sistem.
Non-judgmentalism would be appreciated.
MAIN CHARACTERS
Nigel X. Fink
His dad Dunk Fink
SECONDARY CHARACTERS
His mum Ms Fink
His gran
His grandad
Tane his bestest friend
Craig his London mate
Mercedes Fink his sister
Sharon his on/well off girlfriend
Class Swab social engineer remodelling the world
George Zeros billionaire social engineer remodelling the world
Bill Gates billionaire social engineer remodelling the world
Elon Musk his billionaire mate
BIT PLAYERS
Joe Biden puppet president of the USA
Donald Trump despised former President of the USA
Aunty Helen backroom string puller/ventriloquist, minor social engineer remodelling the world
John Sykes mall ram raider, apprentice GANGSTA
Prime Minister of Aotearoa, celeb SPIN QUEEN apprentice GLOBAL social engineer (uncredited)
Dedication
To the sheep of the world
Chapter Two
Dear Elon
It is 12 hours since my last email. Time is running out.
Yours in breaking new frontiers, Nige.
Hey babe Sharon
TIME IS RUNNING OUT!
Hey Craig
See you poms ditched Boris Johnson as PM.
It’s a wonder he can see where he’s going with that thatch on his head.
WORSE THAN TRUMP’S!!
HAW! HAW!
No doubt you’re lazing in the sun in London getting a sun tan.
Wet and cold here in AOTEAROA.
That’s what we call New Zealand now.
Everyone on TV says Aotearoa and it’s in the papers which are like our prime minister a sauce of truth so it must be official even tho the government and TV and newspapers have not asked people what they think.
It’s COOOOLLL!!
These days they do all the thinking for us which means we have more time to watch sport on TV and surf the net and all we gotta do IS OBEY AND COMPLY!!!
So all the maps should be changed IMMEDIATELY!!!
The rest of the WORLD has to WAKE UP!
WE NOW HAVE A NEW NAME TO UNITE US EVEN IF A LOT OF PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE IT.
In olden times the name only referred to the NORTH ISLAND.
I guess it is a name for only HALF THE COUNTRY!!!
BUT WHO CARES!!!
It sounds COOL!!!
HAW! HAW!
Latest news: Mum has left us and cleared out with Rodney taking Diesel the BEST PITBULL IN THE WORLD!!
Rodney worked in the meatworks cutting sheep’s throats.
YUK!!!
But mum said he had an awakening.
Now hes vegan and has his hair long tied at the back or in a cool little bun.
He has opened a shop where he sells incense and Indian stuff.
Mum met him at a meditation class.
She says he touched her inner vibe like dad never could whatever that means.
We’re eating a lot of MacDonalds.
I am in regular contact with Elon Musk. I advised him not to buy Twitter.
Hang loose bro.
Nige
Nige
Catch Wimbledon bro. The Kyrgios guy is insane!!
You’ll love him. He’s playing that selfish loser Jockovich who won’t get the vax.
Jockovich thinks he is above everyone else and should be FREE TO DECIDE WHAT HE PUTS IN HIS BODY and that his MEDICAL INFO SHOULD BE KEPT PRIVATE.
What a loser!!!!!
Naw! Tennis doesnt do it for me. Just hitting a ball back and forth.
SOFT!!!!
Give me bareknuckle MMA. And we don’t have Sky.
That Jockovich guy is my dad’s hero next to DONALD TRUMP!!!.
CREEEEEPYYY!!!
HAW! HAW!
I’ll be watching the All Blacks play Ireland to. U still playing?
Naw. Retired. More into basketball, mountainbiking and I’m an entrepruner now.
What’s that???
Just think Elon Musk.
Hey Gran
Dad said we needed someone to cook and clean up so he has hired a housekeeper.
Because there’s not enough space in the flat he said he and Charmaine, that’s her name, will have to share his bedroom.
She’s very sweet.
They met at the rugby club.
She is quite big and plays in the front row for the womens team Hells Kitchen Gals.
She hasn’t cooked yet.
I dont think she spends much time in kitchens.
She and dad always seem to be in his bedroom.
We had frozen pizzas tonight that Charmaine heated up.
She burnt them but they tasted OK.
Dad seemed more interested in eating Charmaine than the pizza!!!!
HAW! HAW!
Your loving estranged grandson Nigel
Nigel,
I will beat the hell out of him alright. Your grandad and I are on our way. We’ll be there tomorrow.
Tane
When I came home from school Charmaine was in tears running from our flat to a taxi with her suitcase.
A football boot fell out of the case and she tripped over picking it up. She was calling dad a wanker and telling him not to ring her again.
Gran was at the door shouting don’t come back.
Grandad was behind her. His face was red with embarrassment. I was worried he might have a heart attack or something!
I could see the old lady across the road starring over and shaking her head.
Dad was inside sitting with his head in his hands and gran went over and clipped him over the ear. Then he started blubbing that he has lost everything his wife, his job, his dog and all he had were a couple of kids he couldn’t afford to feed.
SO WHY DID HE HIRE CHARMAINE?????????????
My life is a soap opera.
Gran cooked a stew with meat and carrots, peas and mashed spud. COOOOOOOOOOL!!.
Nige
Tane
Mercedes HAS GONE!!!!!!!!!!
She told gran she was sick of living with male chauvenists who deny climate change (that is dad who says the climate has been changing for thousands of years and it is all histeria) and vaccines (dad again) and who are only interested in drinking beer (dad) rugby and cricket (dad), and cars (dad) and an imature brother who does not share her passion for women’s rights, women’s pay equity, Black Lives Matter, the environment, the Great Barrier Reef in Oz, polar bears, dolphins, whales, recycling, pollution of our rivers, the horrible use of fossil fuels, the appalling emissions from cows and sheep, live animal exports, banning rodeos, transgender rights and the LGBT community.
She said I’m always putting the wrong things in the wheelie bins.
It’s not hard Nigel she says.
Red is for ??? green is for???
Even someone with your peanut brain should be able to work it out.
MEEE!
A coming Elon Musk!!!!
Anyway she rang mum and she’s gone to live with Mum and Rodney. Mum didn’t come to pick her up. Rod did.
He’s an environmentalist but he drove the biggest gas guzzling grunt machine you ever saw and smug Mercedes DIDNT MIND!@!!!
The HIPPOCRIT!!!!!
Gran pleaded for Mercedes to change her mind and dad was blubbing again.
All I’ve got left is Nigel, he said. NIGEL!!!! as though he had just gotten the worst deal in town.
And me an entrepruner!!!!
Gran ran after Mercedes as she was leaving and said she would finish the yellow and blue jumper and send it to her.
Rod planted boot, Mercedes poked her tongue out at me and they were GONE!!!!!!!!!
MY life is FALLING apart.
And gran said she’ll knit me another JUMPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I might take up VAPING!
Dear Ministry of Business Innovation and Employment,
My sauces tell me you help exciting bold new ideas and support ROCKET LAUNCHES.
My dad says the government and our brill Finance Minister who is a GENIUS in political studies but does not know anything about economics except PRINTING MONEY are splashing a lot of cash around on useless causes while our RESERVE BANK IS IN CUCKOO LAND as well IMPERSINATING a tree Tane Muhuta when theyre not hugging it!!!!!!
HAW! HAW!
And these bank dudes say that money is SAP from the TREE!!!
You couldnt make this stuff up!!
HAW! HAW!
I am only 13 but I have exciting and bold new ideas.
I am in regular contact with Elon Musk.
Do you provide funding to assist young entrepruners with bold ideas to make their holistic dreams become part of the fabric of life.
Looking forward to your immediate response.
Yours in science and cutting edge technology,
Nigel X. Fink
Sharon, I forgive you.
What????
Your lack of love, your lack of empithy, your lack of knowing that I have so much to offer and so much to give.
There are no limits to the depths of my heart.
And YOU! YOU!
You are a GODDESS!!!
Your hair looks like what angels must have, intricately curved shining smooth like silk glowing like a setting sun and when you walk away and the curls delicately bounce on your well formed rippling muscled shoulders……….
OOOOHH!
And I come from a broken home with a non-VAX TILL U DIE dad.
You do go on Nigel. Meet me at the El Paso after school tomorrow. COME ALONE!
YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
Where’s the El Paso?
It’s on the other side of town. Google it. You’ll have to bike there or take a bus.
What?
Well do you want to meet or not?
OK