Dear BFD fans, I have a dilemma that needs resolving, and I thought I’d ask for assistance. Yesterday morning I received this text message from a television producer:

Hello Cameron. I am the producer of Dancing with the Stars for TV3 and we would like to talk to you about it. We think that you might really enjoy being part of the cast this year and of course it has a wonderful charity aspect to it. If this holds any interest for you please text me back and let’s have a phone chat. Regards

Text from Producer of Dancing with Stars

I nearly ran off the road with shock after seeing this text pop up. I’m gobsmacked. This network were happy to demonise me for years with their news arms, blacklist me from their radio stations and work to frame me for a crime and now they expect that I might like to be a caged monkey for their cheap nasty shoddily made brainless ‘entertainment’? Righto.

I might have had a stroke, but I’m not retarded.

While I appreciate that they are so desperate for ratings that they feel the need to invite me to appear on the show, there is part of me that knows this is just a set up. Blind Freddy can see this is a set up to garner huge publicity for their show. I bet they just want me to say yes so they can leak it and then cause a public outcry, get me cancelled and thereby promote their silly show.

However, I’m prepared to entertain their invitation, but I do have some ‘requirements’:

  • I identify as a Fijian disabled woman with Tourette’s and will require disabled parking and access to the women’s bathroom and will only dance wearing a sulu.
  • All my costumes need to be in camouflage, but not that blaze orange stuff, that’s for homos. My dancing shoes should be hunting boots.
  • I require a bowl of jellybeans in my dressing room. 33 of each colour, except black or white, because they’re racist.
  • I require a trans-gender dancing partner who is fat positive to make me look thin. I can’t think of anything more entertaining than two blokes in frocks dancing like hippos.
  • I have dietary requirements. I only eat the finest quality, organic, hunter-harvested meat and game. I’m allergic to vegans and socialism, and Green party members make me break out in hives
  • I require a Nissan Leaf to transport me to and from anything to do with Dancing With the Stars. If I’m going to look gay while dancing, I may as well drive a gay car.
  • Everyone thinks I’m a prick, so I require bunches of headless rose stems in a vase hand made from recycled shotgun shells.
  • This is my suggestion for a signature song.

I was tempted to ask if Martyn Bradbury could be my dance partner, mainly just so I could step on his toes for weeks on end. Or maybe Nicky Hager, he’s perfect to be a girly man, and I’d just love stomping all over his face tiny little feet.

So readers, what do you think? Yes, or No?

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Dancing with the Stars?
Cam Slater

Cam Slater

As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story. When he’s not creating the news,...