Are you a genuine card-carrying Kiwi, a proud loyal New Zealander? Maybe even just a well-integrated import who has grown to love your new land? Well, the time has come for you to stand up and be counted. Your country needs you. You have an obligation to do what needs to be done to protect your way of life, the way of life of the honest hard working Kiwi Bloke and Bloke’ess. It is now imperative that you cast your hard-earned vote for the party that will ensure you will be able to maintain your lives and lifestyles in the manner to which you have become accustomed.

I’m terribly sorry folks, and believe me I truly don’t want to say this, but I have had an epiphany. If you love your country the way it was, you have to vote for Labour in the upcoming election!

Sorry about that, I know it’s a bit of a shock, please take this time to recover your senses and to mop up the tea that you just spat over your keyboard. But here’s the thing, if you don’t vote for Labour, then you will be stuck with the most toxic bunch of reprobates our political system has ever seen. Yes that’s right, if you don’t vote for Labour, you will get Labour and the Greens, and if you have any love left for your country after these two long years of Socialism, you must do what is needed to rid our fair land of those Marxist fake environmentalist scum.

So how has this sorry state of affairs come about? Well it pretty much comes down to that old Mr Peters of course. It has been well covered on The BFD how most of us feel about his choice to anoint the spectacularly unqualified, then soon to be Mother of Neve, Wrapper of Chips to the highest office in the land but this is, as they say, what it is. Our only option is to make sure our vote counts come September (or July, who would really know)?

The Greens have proven to be more than a thorn in the side of New Zealand. The insidious way they operate, weaseling their policies into things on the sly has got to stop. Just this week they have managed to sneak undebated changes into the new RMA rules that will have NZ Inc. beholden to them and their God Gaia by forcing every ‘significant’ RMA decision to be measured against their made up Climate Change ideals.

Unfortunately the National Party are still asleep at the wheel waiting for when it will be their turn again but ensuring that it won’t be their turn this time due to their awful ‘Like Labour but fewer tit-hands’ electioneering. Unless they get real and offer up a peace pipe to that old guy from Whananaki, they will no doubt be keeping the green leather warm on the wrong side of the house for another term.

The BFD. Photoshopped image credit Rick H

The problem of course is that people can count. And when you add up the numbers below, you will see that Labour is perilously close to being able to run the whole show on their own and National plus Act equal opposition oblivion for three more years.

For those who can count of course, the other thing that pops out is that Labour only need one more party to govern unfettered. Based on this polls numbers, then that party would no doubt be the Melons because the chances of Labour doing a deal with that nice Mr Seymour are about as slim as Twerking being the next Olympic sport.

So how do we, as normal conservatives solve this problem? Well the chances of getting National, Act and maybe New Conservatives across the line in a new “Coalition of Losers” 2.0 are pretty slim, so we need to do what’s right for the country. And that is get rid of the toxic influence of Shaw, Davidson, Sage, Ghahraman and that new bloke, avowed Marxist and perennial white-man hater, Teanau Tuiono.

Now this may seem like I have lost my marbles but there is some solid logic behind this call (even if I do say so myself).

Think about how things would look if New Zealand was governed by this particular Labour Party on it’s own. Yes for sure there will be new taxes, that one is a given, but you will find ways to avoid those as there will be so many loopholes the legislation will look like the old macrame ‘pot’ plant holders so beloved by the hippies.

But the best part of my cunning plan is that nothing much else will change. This Labour government have proven themselves to be so hopeless, so underdone, and so incompetent, that they will never get anything done. Ardern and her merry bunch of misfits have already wrecked pretty much everything they had intended to wreck, so what’s left?

They don’t have the ability to build houses, train sets, employment opportunities or even cost-effective slides so I think we can all be confident that they will never actually achieve anything in their next three years of unbridled power.

With a hopelessly lost National Party, this is the best we have for now so you know what to do on election day. Jacinda needs you, your country needs you, make sure you get out and vote Labour.

Just think of how much better your life will be. A party vote for Labour means you will never again have to listen to anything Golriz has to say, and she might have to sit next to Judith Collins, which quite frankly would be utterly hilarious.

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ExPFC, ex lots of things. I'm a passionate user of fossil fuels, a proud flag flying Kiwi, I have trouble suffering fools and the permanently offended. Sometimes I may play the devil's advocate, sometimes I may actually mean what I write, it will be up to you to figure out which is which. Don't take me too seriously, and don't complain if you do. Politics wise, I have previously given my party vote to National, and I think once to Act. To my eternal shame, I even once voted for Helen. Sorry for that, it was at a time when I was only thinking of myself, it won't happen again. I am currently undecided.