SATIRE
Gordon Lightfoot
TRANSPARENCY
An independent investigation into the Deputy Prime Minister has found that the 78-year-old is probably not going to change his way of doing things any time soon.
The research group, The Information Project, says that it was ‘very likely’ that Winston Peters would continue to say and do what he believed needed to be said and done.
Lead researcher Sophie Whitaker says that Peters “has found a style over the years that seems to have worked very well for him”.
“When you get to his age, the things that have worked in the past basically set themselves in stone”.
Whitaker believes that any chance of Peters changing now would be “very slim”.
Peters has recently pointed out in his State of the Nation speech, that Te Pati Maori’s Rawiri Waititi once claimed that “it is a known fact that Maori genetic makeup is stronger than others”.
Peters took the opportunity to remind us that it was a commonly held belief in Nazi Germany that some races were genetically superior to others.
Despite attempts from many in the media to goad and shame him into backing down from his comments, the old boy has instead opted to “double down”, as journalists like to say.
In additional news, the guitarist from the band Chumbawumba has gone ‘full Karen’, after finding out that Peters had been using ‘Tub Thumpin’ as his intro music. He has now demanded that NZ First stop using the dangerously old song.
Peters cleared up any confusion with our reporters today, as he was swamped by media on the way out of a meeting. “If one, just one, of you idiots in the media, decided to get off your backsides and do your jobs properly, then we wouldn’t be in this situation,” he lectured in classic style.
“I said, the belief that some races are genetically superior to others, was something that the Nazis believed. And we all remember how that turned out.
“And if you brain-dead morons got your act together, then you would know that you can’t twist my words and try to shame me into backpedalling. Do you think I was born yesterday?” he spat before swiftly storming out.
Peters is expected to “triple down” on his comments later today.