SATIRE
Gordon Lightfoot
JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED
Multi-award-winning Newstalk ZB host Mike Hosking woke up with an absolute bone-chilling hangover, as his 7.55 alarm went off Sunday morning.
After a dominant National Party performance last night, Hosking pushed the boat out even further than most would have predicted. The blue-coloured cocktails he provided for his election party guests were naturally going down deliciously, but this morning’s wake up had him questioning life and reality itself.
As he stumbled out of bed to the other side of the bedroom where his phone alarm was sounding, he suddenly remembered why he was being woken at such an ungodly hour – the All Blacks quarterfinal.
Fruitlessly hoping that a black filter coffee and a double dose of ibuprofen would help his situation, Hosking sat down to 83 minutes of the most intense rugby he could have imagined.
The stress of the game, which included two All Black yellow cards, was made even harder to watch due to Hosking’s own self-inflicted wounds. The game was brought to an end eventually when Sam Whitelock earned his side a penalty, after a seemingly never-ending Irish phase of play.
Mike leapt from the carpet, where he was crouched after inching closer and closer to his screen throughout the game. The adrenaline and the release of pressure must have unlocked a hidden store of energy for the top broadcaster, whose hangover vanished in an instant.
“It’s hard to believe that I basically crawled out of bed only two hours earlier in search of my relentless alarm clock,” he said, now looking freshly showered and ready to take on any challenge.
“What a weekend for this country! A return to normality with a sensible National government, and a winning All Blacks team. The two key ingredients for a thriving economy.
“We now live in a world where the All Blacks are preparing for their semifinal against Argentina, and Labour are unable to do any more damage to New Zealand for at least three years.
“What a time to be alive”.