OPINION
We used to say, “Only in America” to describe some outlandish news headline. Americans would probably beg to differ: “Only in Florida”, they might say. Whatever’s in the water in the Sunshine State (meth and hallucinogens, apparently), any headline beginning with “Florida Man…” is guaranteed to be a doozy.
Here’s just a small, representative sample:
Florida Man Charged with Picking Magic Mushrooms While Carrying an Alligator
Florida Man Arrested After Botched Home Castration on Man He Met Via Dark Web Eunuch Fetish Site
Florida man has surgery to remove screwdriver from rectum
SRSO: Florida man brings drugs to a drug bust, gets himself busted
Florida Man Arrested After Allegedly Forcing Alligator to Drink Beer
Florida couple caught having sex in patrol car after DUI arrest
Florida Man is still delivering the goods:
A Florida man was just arrested by the U.S. Coast Guard after he attempted to “run to London” in a homemade, hamster wheel-like vessel.
To be fair, the contraption sounds pretty cool.
The homemade contraption, which [Reza Baluchi] has dubbed a “Hydro Pod” or his “bubble,” was made out of a metal drum surrounded by inflatable buoys. The “bubble” was propelled through the water by paddles lining the vessel’s exterior as Baluchi ran inside it.
So, if a man wants to run across the Atlantic in a homemade floating hamster wheel, what’s it to the spoilsport Man?
“Based on the condition of the vessel – which was afloat as a result of wiring and buoys – [US Coast Guard] officers determined Baluchi was conducting a manifestly unsafe voyage,” the criminal complaint says.
Beyond the dangerous nature of his voyage, officials said Baluchi claimed he had a bomb on board and threatened to harm himself. According to Sky News, Baluchi was armed with two 12-inch knives and told officials he would use them to kill himself if they attempted to remove him from his vessel.
Officials considered the bomb threat to be valid at first, as Baluchi held wires in his hand while making the threat. Coast Guard officers called in bomb disposal experts before they determined the threat to be a hoax.
“USCG officers again ordered Baluchi off the vessel, but he again refused. It was then that Baluchi informed the USCG officers that the bomb was not real,” court documents state.
After three days, officials were finally able to remove Baluchi from the vessel and transport him to a Coast Guard base in Miami, where he surrendered and was charged.
If nothing, he’s a determined fellow: he has been pulled up by the Coast Guard three times before, the last time trying to go from Florida to New York. But, like Wrong Way Feldman, he ended up 30 miles south of his starting point.
But Baluchi said despite being stopped every time, he isn’t giving up.
“I’ll never give up my dream,” he said. “They stop me four or five times, but I never give up.”
All That’s Interesting
But it ain’t all Florida Man: Florida Woman is doing it for herself. In the most alarming way.
Florida Woman Arrested After She Walked Into A Walmart — And Started Making A Bomb
When you mix Florida and Walmart, you know you’re in for a doozy.
Last weekend, a security guard at a Walmart store in Tampa, Florida was canvassing the outlet when he noticed something suspicious: a woman with a child had been walking around aimlessly for an hour opening up unpaid items. Among the items she collected were denatured alcohol, nails, and a mason jar.
When she tried to test out a wick, the guard realized what the suspicious woman was up to: she was trying to build a bomb, right there inside the store.
Explosive fun for all the family!
Florida’s WFLA is reporting that 37-year-old Emily Stallard was indeed collecting materials for a makeshift bomb with her son in tow and that the alarmed security guard quickly reported the woman to the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office.
The security guard also notified an off-duty Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation officer who was in the store at the time. Together, the two men stopped Stallard before she lit a wick that would presumably have detonated her DIY device. When sheriff deputies arrived on the scene, the security officer and FWC officer had successfully detained her.
In a statement from the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office, officials said that the assortment of items Stallard also included projectile items and matches.
Stallard has been charged with firebombing, attempted arson of a structure, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, child abuse, and battery on a law enforcement officer. She remains behind bars with bail set at $8,500.
All That’s Interesting
Some people dream of going to Disneyland: hell, if I ever get to the States, first on the bucket list is a Walmart. In Florida.