I’ve not written about the latest cricket controversy, mostly because my interest in cricket sits somewhere around my interest in Married At First Sight, or watching paint dry. But, as the controversy keeps rolling on, the chance to cock a snook at those snooty, hypocritical Poms is just too hard to resist.
The problem is that I know about as much about cricket as I care for it. Thankfully, people far more knowledgeable than me have picked up on the Brits’ staggering hypocrisy. You might think a New Zealander would be the last to take Australia’s side in a “Just Not Cricket” argument, given the notorious Trevor Chappell underarm incident, which rightly outraged Kiwis. But, no matter how often siblings may punch each other, it’s a different matter when a stranger takes a swing.
Besides, as Heath Moore points out, the loudest complainers about the “spirit of the game”, here, are some of the worst offenders.
Take England bowler Stuart Broad, who condemned the stumping of Jonny Bairstow as, “literally the worst thing I’ve ever seen in cricket”.
Broad seems to have conveniently forgotten his own refusal to walk, in 2013, when everyone at the ground and around the world, save the umpire, heard him clearly nick the ball. Even English commentator David Lloyd was aghast at “the audacity”.
Yet, Broad waved it away, saying, “We do have a win-at-all-costs mentality. I think we’re quite an unpleasant team to play against at the moment.”
“Spirit of cricket”, eh?
Then there’s was Broad’s alleged ball-tampering, in 2010.
Footage showed Broad stopping the ball with his shoe spikes and Anderson picking at the seam.
Former England captain Nasser Hussain responded with some rather damning comments at the time, saying: “Stuart Broad and James Anderson were wrong to behave in the manner they did and I’ve no doubt that if a player from another country did the same, we’d have said they were cheating.”
It wasn’t too long ago, either, that Broad defended his own keeper trying to pull off the same stumping move.
While wicketkeeping on day three, Bairstow had caught the ball and attempted to throw the stumps down as [Marnus Labuschagne] was outside the crease but not attempting a run.
While the English were furious with [Alex Carey’s] stumping, Broad attempted to justify the difference between the two in a column.
It was only a few years ago, too, that the English team used the same “delayed stumping” against Ireland’s Andrew Barnabie.
In 2019, England keeper Ben Foakes […] waited patiently for Barnabie to lift his foot for a split second before taking the bails off.
Ireland captain William Porterfield said that the delay should have meant that the ball was “pretty much dead”, the same argument England used against Carey’s stumping of Bairstow.
Of course, the Australian team did indeed shame itself, some years back, with blatant ball-tampering. But, again, England haven’t got much call to get on their high horses.
Former England batter Marcus Trescothick said in his autobiography that he used mint-induced saliva to keep the shine on the ball as his team recorded their first Ashes victory after 18 years in 2005 […]
In 2007 at Trent Bridge against India, an England player threw jellybeans on the pitch.
While England bowler Ryan Sidebottom claimed it was “banter”, Indian batsman Zaheer Khan was upset at the stunt, alerting the umpires to the situation.
Littering the pitch with jellybeans could have altered the movement of the ball, and for most goes against the “spirit of cricket”.
In 2018 it was revealed that England batter Ian Bell was the culprit.
New Zealand has good reason to scoff at England’s high dudgeon, too.
In 2008, England and New Zealand were involved in a tense one day international (ODI) match.
Black Caps all-rounder Grant Elliott was taking off for a single, when he and England bowler Ryan Sidebottom accidentally collided mid-pitch, with both falling to the floor.
Despite Elliott being obstructed and stranded halfway down the pitch, fielder Ian Bell fired the ball at the stumps with Kevin Pietersen taking the bails off.
The spotlight turned to captain Paul Collingwood and whether he would withdraw England’s appeal.
The umpire approached Collingwood, who decided to uphold the appeal and give Elliott his marching orders. Luckily, New Zealand went on to win the match.
At least Collingwood had the humility to admit, later, that he wished he’d done differently. “I hold my hands up and say I probably made the wrong decision, and that is something that I will have to live with. I apologise to the New Zealand lads.” Sidebottom also admitted that, while accidental, “it wasn’t in the spirit of the game”.
Neither, for that matter, was the behaviour of the MCC members on that notorious day.
To give a bit of old Antipodean advice: the Poms might want to pull their bloody heads in, and get their friggin’ hands off it.