SATIRE
Colonel Sponsz
Just the other day I had one of those moments of enlightenment – if this were a cartoon there would be a light bulb above my head.
I was on the North Shore and noticed with disgust a D-max utility fouling the air with its diesel exhaust. The driver was a male Pakeha, 60-ish, pink and white and a bit fat, a perfect example of gammon. Appropriately enough, his ute was white (in the UK, white van man is synonymous with poor white trash).
As I observed the ute pumping out diesel fumes, it occurred to me that the pure clean air that this Pakeha was polluting is one of the taonga of Aotearoa. And then I asked myself; when those original white colonists, Tasman, Cook, Hobson etc invaded Aotearoa, what was the energy source for their ships? The wind! And in the early photos, what building dominated the skyline of Tamaki Makarau? A windmill! Literally right from the get-go, Pakeha exploited Aotearoa’s air and wind without acknowledging the ownership of the mana whenua, let alone paying for it.
Accordingly, we are now petitioning the Waitangi Tribunal for a declaration that air and wind are a taonga of Aotearoa and, pursuant to te Tiriti, belong to the Maori. We will then demand an apology and compensation from the government for two centuries of wrongful use.
Going forward, we require that every person in Aotearoa should pay for air consumed by themselves and any animals they own. A symbolic amount would be sufficient – perhaps $1 per week – just enough to show recognition of our ownership. No one could call us greedy baskets!
Sailing ships have gone but there are still sailing boats and here we can be more ambitious – by definition, anyone who owns a yacht is a rich prick. $100 per metre per annum looks reasonable. And as for wind farms! The owners might as well hand them over to us, lock, stock and barrel; they will be a real goldmine for the iwi. Pakeha love capitalism? Well, we will give them all the capitalism they can handle!
Titiwhai Urekuri