The latest issue to put a twist in the knickers of the urban elite is opposition to signage in te reo. Doing a rather old-fashioned thing by actually listening to the citizenry, National MP Simeon Brown (the one who looks so young he’d be refused service at an off-licence) announced that road signs ‘should be in English’. Y’know because it’s kind of important drivers understand when to stop, go and give way. Cue an outraged response from the type of Pakeha sophisticates who take delight in referring to themselves as ‘tauiwi’ – Maori for foreigner. These self-flagellators were dismayed at anyone not being on board with enforced bilingualism, inevitably dubbing them racist and suggesting they ‘go back to England’. ‘Tauiwi’ indeed.
I guess if you are, like most of these people, a green-voting vegan cyclist crammed into bicycle pants struggling along at 5 km an hour, you have time to read long road signs (they are not known for their brevity – the longest place name in the world is in Maori). For the rest of us, whizzing by in cars, there just isn’t time.
But the whole issue got me thinking. There are some situations and places where a sign in te reo would be both appropriate and more effective in getting through to the target audience.
TRIGGER WARNING
I am largely ignorant of the Maori tongue (apart from once playing ‘seven minutes in heaven’ with a dusky maiden at a blue light disco circa 1989). So I have had to rely on the powers of Google Translate for my te reo signs – which likely renders them as linguistically accurate as the English in a Nigerian bank scam e-mail. I apologise for remaining stubbornly monolingual.
MAORI HEALTH
Turns out the secret to improving Maori Health is the same as for improving everyone else’s: exercise and eat less junk. Such common sense doesn’t really need to be translated into te reo, does it? But if it was, say for a sign on the front entrance of the new Maori Health Authority, it should read:
| PATUA TE KFC, KEI MATE KOI E TE TANGATA MOMONA. KNOCK OFF THE KFC OR YOU’RE GOING TO DIE YOU FAT BASTARD. |
Not subtle, but shock tactics might just work better than some sandal-wearing ‘health care worker’ making ‘suggestions’.
CHILD WELFARE
Maori seem more given to walloping their offspring than most (Maori kids are twice as likely to be the victims of abuse than other kids – source, the Maori family violence charity, Mana Ririki). A little reminder sign in maternity wards might be useful:
| KAORE NGA TAMARIKI E PEKE KIDS DON’T BOUNCE |
CRIME
Over half of all prisoners in New Zealand identify as Maori. Despite all the sociological posturing blaming this on everything from poverty to not enough of us pronouncing ‘Taupo’ correctly, the fact remains the best way to reduce the number of Maori in prison is for Maori to commit less crime. Perhaps Maori who are not in prison and who have no problems being law-abiding citizens, should wear t-shirts with the following slogan:
| KATI TE TAKAHI I TE TURE. KEI TE WHAKAMA KOE I ERA ATU O MATOU. STOP BREAKING THE LAW. YOU’RE EMBARRASSING THE REST OF US. |
Mass shaming has its power.
MAORI ‘SCIENCE’
The conceit of Te Ao Maori (the Maori world) is to blame for Maori creation myths now being taught in science classes in New Zealand schools. This is what the ‘Listener 7’ were on about. Te Ao Maori is the doctrine of Maori exceptionalism – that Maori are special, so special that their uniqueness goes beyond mere cultural difference and makes them into a separate order of being. Needless to say, this is the heart of racism. It also implies supremacy; seen in particular in the way Maori are thought to have some mystical connection to the environment denied non-Maori, making them better at protecting it. Well, tell that to the Moa – oh wait, you can’t because they’re all dead at the hands of these gentle eco-warriors. Let’s nip this silly belief in the bud by having the following plaque above the whiteboard in every school classroom in the nation.
| KOTAHI NOA TE AO. THERE IS ONLY ONE WORLD. |
BOOZE AND TOBACCO
Progressive busybodies are forever warning us all about the dangers of straying from a kale and mineral water diet and risking enjoying ourselves by consuming these two vices. Maori disproportionately indulge in both. These people should have no problems with a special warning in te reo on alcohol and tobacco packaging:
| HUA KINO O TE KORONI. EVIL PRODUCT OF COLONIALISM. |
I expect to see sales plummet as the unwilling victims of colonial oppression wake up to their exploitation…
CULTURAL EGO BUSTING
The undoubted racism of the past and the sad material state of too many Maori today, has led to attempts to compensate by an over inflation of the Maori cultural ego. You know the stuff I mean – Maori are spiritual pacifists who could cure third-stage cancer with a Manuka honey poultice while Europeans were rapacious plundering dunderheads. The Haka is better than the Bolshoi ballet and waiata superior to anything sung in the opera houses of Europe. A corrective to this ‘everything Maori is wonderful’ attitude might be:
| HE AHUREI KOE ENGARI KO ERA ATU KATOA. YOU ARE UNIQUE. BUT SO IS EVERYONE ELSE. |