SATIRE
Kay O’Lacey
At a Press conference at the Beehive this morning Prime Minister Ardern released the new cabinet and ministerial line-up for next year.
“As we expect that this will be the last Labour Government for at least the next 30 years, or perhaps ever, we’ve taken a ‘gloves off’ approach to pressing ahead with our radical plans.”
“Accordingly Ministers will be left doing what they haven’t been doing much of so far, but we’ll be renaming the portfolios to better reflect the actual roles we have in mind”
While many at the presser were initially shocked by the new Ministerial titles, especially as it would be ‘quite hard’ putting a positive pro-government spin on this, they found some relief in the fact that the government was at last being ‘open and transparent’ as was actually promised back in 2020.
| Who | Responsibilities |
| Rt Hon Jacinda Ardern | Pretend Prime Minister Minister for Increasing Child Poverty Associate Minister for Destroying Arts, Culture and Heritage Minister for National Insecurity and Profound Unintelligence |
| Hon Grant Robertson | Deputy Pretend Prime Minister Minister of Fiscal Ruin Minister for Destroying Infrastructure Minister for Overweight Sport and Recreation |
| Hon Kelvin Davis | Minister of Race-Baiting Minister of Failed Corrections |
| Hon Dr Megan Woods | Associate Minister of Fiscal Ruin Minister of Housing Shortage Minister of Lacking Energy and Resources Minister for Not Building and General De-Constructing |
| Hon Chris Hipkins | Minister of Robbing Children of their Future by Poor Education Minister of Keystone Cops Minister for the Bloating of Public Service |
| Hon Andrew Little | Minister of Racist Health Minister for Spying on Kiwis Minister for 47-Year Suppurating Wound that is Treaty of Waitangi Negotiations |
| Hon Nanaia Mahuta | Real Prime Minister Master of Connivance & Double-Dealing Associate Minister for Maori Cash Handouts Minister of Laughing-Stock Foreign Affairs Minister for Destruction of Local Government |
| Hon Willie Jackson | Angry Minister for Government Truth Media Angry Minister for Maori Cash Handouts |
| Hon Michael Wood | Minister of Non-Immigration Minister of Potholes |
| Hon Kiri Allan | Minister for Injustice |
| Hon Dr Ayesha Verrall | Associate Minister of Racist Health |
| Hon Marama Davidson | Minister for Increasing Homelessness |
| Hon James Shaw | Minister for Hapless Virtue Signalling |