Guy Hatchard PhD
**Note: This is a fictitious satirical interview.
Brian:
I’m a big fan of yours Cindy. You’ve become something of a celebrity. You’re the go-to for information. What did it feel like growing up with the same name as our Prime Minister?
Cindy:
It was weird, I was targeted a bit at school. I’m writing a book about it: ‘My Camp’. The worst thing that happened to me was when Helen Clark resigned I felt like we had been stabbed in the back. It was a lot of pain but a growing experience. I knew then that everyone should feel that stab.
Brian:
Even the children?
Cindy:
Especially the children. It’s about coming of age.
Brian:
Your favourite joke?
Cindy:
I like the one about the germ hiding in the unclean. I don’t think everyone realised it was a joke, but I still laugh about it when I am alone.
Brian:
Did you have any pets?
Cindy:
We had a dog called Winnie. Useless really, he would never do as he was told. I wasted three years trying to train him up. In the end, he disappeared one day, I think my uncle got rid of him. I would know what to do if that ever happened again.
Brian:
What was your worst moment?
Cindy:
That’s a really good question, Brian. There was a girl who died suddenly in year 11. People said it wasn’t an accident. I really didn’t know anything about it, but I jumped right in there and set them straight. That’s me. These things happen all the time. There has been a lot similar since. See I was right, I’m always right.
Brian:
Do you want to expand on that?
Cindy:
I’m a positive person. Worry is bad for us all. I have a friend Jerry now. He takes care of these things, you know. He’s high up you know. There’s a procedure you know, he tells me “if there is an emergency you want people to stay calm“. He just says there is insufficient evidence and it works every time. Just keep smiling, it’s my motto.
Brian:
A lot of small businesses closed in your town, how did you manage?
Cindy:
Well, they were small. I like to think BIG. BIG like Muldoon, (my mother remembers him). He was in the wrong party, but he could think BIG. I try to be like him. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Brian:
What was your favourite subject?
Cindy:
Well, it certainly wasn’t science. You know when I was young we didn’t have calculators. The science classes were a bit of a blur really. I was especially good at writing fiction though, it all came so naturally. Now we have social media, it is much easier for me. You can just say that something is science when you know it is. You don’t have to bother with all those difficult numbers and long papers published in those faffy journals.
Brian:
There was a shortage of housing in your town, wasn’t there?
Cindy:
Yes, I was really worried about that, but after we bought our own house, it sort of faded away. Take this year, house prices have gone up 23% but if you own a house that’s all good, right?
Brian:
There was a time when a lot of people had heart attacks over the summer. Did that affect you and your family?
Cindy:
We don’t focus on that sort of stuff. We’re into winners here. I think my dad told me it was due to holiday heart syndrome. People were doing way too much exercise and having a lot of fun, that’s just difficult for the heart. People were eating things grown in the ground. We stuck with things in packets. You know it is all about ‘survival of the fittest, we are a pioneering lot, we need more pioneers. People were trying to do the right thing to stay fit, but quite a lot fell by the wayside. I try to forget about them. We concentrate on the ones who matched up, they are building the future.
Brian:
I know you faced a lot of adversity growing up.
Cindy:
That’s true. I always think: if at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Never give up. Like Lewis Hamilton, seven times champion of the world. I would like to boost up to seven times or more even. Up is much better than down, just like inflation and the trade balance. In our family, we never minded as long as everything was looking up. There’s a new movie Don’t Look Up that seems to be going in the wrong direction. We only go forward.
Brian:
Did you have a lot of friends growing up?
Cindy:
Heaps, still do, but there are some people I never talk to. I need to do the right thing in life. I figured out what the right thing was quite early on and I’ve been telling people about it ever since. There’s just a few who don’t get it. I’d be happy if they would just give up really, otherwise, they are not real Kiwis are they? I’m a team player. There’s no ‘I’ in team, but every team needs a captain, and I’m just suited for the role.
Brian:
Finally, do you worry about the future?
Cindy:
I think it will be OK as long as I stay in charge. When you are in charge you rise to every occasion. Never admit to weakness. If I have to varnish the truth, I do. I get through a lot of nail varnish, but I’ve amassed a lot of followers, Brian.
