Since readers of The BFD are extremely concerned about the extraordinary damage CO2 is doing to our fragile wee planet, we here at The BFD are immensely proud to be able to introduce you to the solution.
From now on, you will be able to sleep easy at night knowing that you have done your bit to ‘save the planet’.
I realise that you are sitting there utterly amazed that a solution can be found, but found it has been – and the monthly cost to you, for protecting your children and your grandchildren’s future, is so minimal you will be amazed.
So, how does this work? Simple – we just use suckers to achieve the goal of reducing CO2 in the air.
As more cash flows in, more suckers like the big beast above can be deployed to suck the evil CO2 from the air and bury it safely underground.
“What’s the cost?” I hear you clamour. Entirely reasonable, as you would expect from anything promoted here at The BFD.
EUR 50 is less than $85/month, an absolute bargain compared to the cost of replacing a whole planet!
But will it work? Of course it will work given enough suckers, and that is where you, paying your monthly subscription come in, as with more suckers we can reduce more CO2.
According to the Internet, per capita CO2 emissions in New Zealand are already on a decline and you can speed up that decline with your monthly subscription.
To make the maths easy, let’s round the 6.94T to 7T CO2 per person per year. As shown above, your monthly payment of $85 removes 600 kg per year. 12 people paying $85/month will remove 7.2T of CO2 per year.
Thus, all you need to do is to convince 12 of your best mates to also subscribe to $85/month and your entire personal yearly contribution of CO2 to the planet is sucked out of the atmosphere and buried. Fantastic!
If all your mates also get 12 of their friends to subscribe, and their friends get 12 of their friends to subscribe – you can see how this can spread exponentially, just like Covid.
With just a simple bit of networking amongst your friends and their friends and their friends’ friends we can have this CO2 problem solved.
Isn’t technology and the power of suckers amazing?
When I submitted this post, the editor thought it was satire. Mockery it most definitely is but it is not satire. It is real, and unbelievably, they have convinced at least 10,000 suckers to subscribe to this nonsense.
Let’s assume that they are all incredibly generous and have signed up for the “Special Expedition” package and are thus removing 600kg of CO2 per year each. 600 x 10,000 kg = 6,000 tonnes.
In 2019 global CO2 emission reached a record high of 36.7 billion metric tons. In 2020, the COVID-19 pandemic caused global CO2 emissions to plummet five per cent to 34.81 billion metric tons. Let’s pick 36 billion to make the maths easy.
6000/36,000,000,000 is a 0.0000167% reduction in the global CO2 levels which will do exactly diddly-squat for the planet.
Kids DO NOT try this at home!