I have a cunning plan. A plan so cunning…well you know how it goes with tails and weasels and so on. I am as guilty as many in being downbeat as to where we find ourselves at present; only yesterday I commented on this forum how depressing I found it all. Well, enough of this Negative Nellie stuff, I have a way forward. I first offer it to our administration but if they want to pass it on to other governments I would be only too pleased – the more the merrier. After all, our lot are always keen to show how a small nation in the South Pacific can punch above its weight and lead the way – here’s a gold-plated opportunity coming up.

We’ll start by applying My Plan to the virus; you know, the virus that has been garnering a wee bit of worldwide attention these past few months. Then, if the government like My Plan and implement it (they won’t and they won’t), I’ll give a few pointers as to how the principles could be applied elsewhere.

Righto, you Wellington wallahs, listen up. What do you do next in the ‘fight against COVID’? Nothing. You do nothing now, nothing in the future and you do some retrospective nothing to undo some (all is not possible) of the harm done by doing something for the last sixteen months. You stop mass PCR testing (it’s useless), you stop mask mandates (no evidence to support this), you scrap all the lockdowns and their byzantine levels and rules (they don’t work), and you stop ‘vaccinating’ anything that moves (unproven technology with unknown safety profile).

Now I know this is all going to feel very strange to you. You got where you are today to do something. You like making big announcements (like Kiwibuild), spending loads of other people’s money on the idea (like Kiwibuild), implementing the idea (mmmm, like Kiwibuild?) and then telling people how well you’ve done. Kiwibuild wasn’t such a good example, was it? Never mind.

Well, you can have one last hurrah at the Podium of Truth (you’ll like that) and announce something that you can actually achieve – nothing.

Think of the financial benefits for openers. When you are doing nothing you can save billions by not buying a ‘vaccine’ that you no longer need. No more spending on those irritating radio and TV commercials. You can take down the chain-link fencing (not cheap to hire) around the downtown hotels and their function as detention centres/MIQ facilities (which you pay for) can revert to being attractive tourist lodgings (which gives you revenue). When we reach this nirvana we can give it a catchy name – like 2019 or something.

Try substituting rules about everything for a reliance on people’s common sense and their own immune systems. Instead of telling people that if they feel they have a cold coming on they should self isolate and get tested, you can let them do what they have been doing for years in response to a viral respiratory infection. They take a bit of sick leave, retire to bed with a hot toddy, a handful of paracetamol and an improving book in the almost certain expectation that they will emerge a few days later as right as rain and with a deeper understanding of classical architecture or TIG welding. This disease has a greater than 99% survival rate, don’t forget.

Now there are a few intellectual barriers to be crossed before you are comfy with My Plan. The first is that there is no point trying to influence something that cannot be influenced. Not every ‘problem’ needs to be ‘fought’. Viral respiratory illnesses have been around forever and they follow a very predictable pattern. This one is no different and we don’t need newly minted modelling superstars to dictate things when we pretty much know what is going to happen. This is going to become endemic and we will live with it; you can’t keep this Zero COVID charade going forever – but I think you already realise that. Humble pie in admitting past errors is also part of My Plan.

You are also going to need some courage – are you OK with that? – because some people are going to die. I hope it comes as no shock to you that none of us escapes life alive. People are dying every day: from breast cancer, end-stage renal failure and, yes, non-famous-named respiratory viral illnesses – in those with comorbidities. If you are no longer misusing PCR tests, ALL viral respiratory deaths will go back where they belong, being part of normal life – and death. What’s not to like? No one will even know if people are dying of COVID.

Right, now you are up to flying speed with My Plan, let’s look at some more low hanging fruit. Climate change. Remember the ‘don’t try and influence things you can have no effect on’ bit? Instead of telling people they can’t buy an ‘illegitimate ute’, do nothing and let them choose. Got $165,000 lying around targeted for a new car? Well, you can get an extended range, all wheel drive Tesla S for that sort of coin; be my guest – your choice. There is a 2013 (MY2014) Aston Martin Vanquish, 6 litre V12, n/a, manual, 16,000km on the clock for the $164,000 ono. I know where my money would go. But if you, the government, do nothing and let us have a choice we can all be happy. Mr Tesla can have more torque than he can handle with a background low whine and a belief he is saving the planet and I can have as much torque as I want to the soundtrack of Thor clearing his throat in the knowledge I am having zero effect on the planet. Win-win, and all you have to do is nothing.

Air travel. By retrospectively doing a bit of nothing you can make this viable again. No masks (natch) and if you persuade your overseas mates as to the merits of My Plan I can have 110 ml of toothpaste in my carry on luggage.

And so on. I am not going to do all the heavy lifting. My Plan is so simple even the remaining Wellington bureaucrats (the ones we no longer need because My Plan has low overheads should be off making things or growing things) can grasp it and apply it all over the show.

So the take-home message for today is nothing. And all of this is offered for nothing, free of charge – not even any P&P. But if you want to slip a few million my way from the trillions I have just saved you, I won’t stand in your way. That will be tax-free, please.

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A Cunning Plan
David Theobald

David Theobald

David is a retired surgeon originally from London who came to New Zealand twenty-six years ago having got delayed in Singapore for thirteen years after leaving the UK. He was coerced into studying Latin...