The Woke Examiner
In a shocking development, a briefcase containing an old copy of Playboy and a mince pie was ‘discarded’ metres from the offices of The Woke Examiner.
Our assistant cub reporter, the finder of the briefcase, was scoffing the pie and thumbing eagerly through the vintage Playboy when he discovered handwritten minutes, taken during a secret meeting hidden between the pages – involving a person XX and a Mr Y.
Of lesser interest was a scrawled message on a Post-It note – most likely from person XX – saying ‘please retrieve partner’s laptop from computer repair shop urgently’.
The handwritten minutes, however, appear to be in some sort of code and are spattered with tomato sauce, covered in greasy fingerprints. Unfortunately they have so far proved only partly intelligible.
After using our superb journalistic skill of just-knowing-stuff, combined with leaks from a disgruntled deep throat in the Labour caucus, we have ascertained that the government wants to see National, Act, and their supporters declared terrorist organisations.
Apparently, they are perceived to be a long term threat to the security of Labour Party dominance in Government and therefore a danger to Aotearoa.
We have deduced from the notes that while the media earned their keep doing sterling work in the election campaign, the Government wants to cement in that good work.
A plan was laid out:
• First, a covert ‘investigation’, similar to the malarky involving Donald Trump – hints of which are ‘leaked’ to a compliant media lynch mob.
• Second, the resulting uproar to justify banning and locking-up all involved pronto, ensuring that re-election 2023 is in the bag.
So watch this space.
When it was put to the Government that it was an extreme abuse of power to set the secret service onto the Opposition, their spokesperson got a bit snippy, snarling it was a security issue, and demanded the Playboy back, as it was a vintage issue and worth a few bob.
On unrelated matters, The Woke Examiner’s deep throat in the Labour caucus also threw us a few tit-bits on the new cabinet.
Jacinda Ardern as well as being the main Prime Minister is going to head a brand new ministry of magazine covers, selfies and Facebook pages.
The thorny Issue of Deputy Prime Minister will be neatly solved by appointing Waiariki MP Rawiri Waititi.
Ardern needed a Maori for the position but there was too much bickering amongst her own Maori so she had to got outside of them to fulfill her obligations under ‘The Treaty’.
Another world first for Ardern – a PR masterpiece. Woke female editors around the world will be falling all over each other to get the pair of them on their magazine covers.
Remember you saw it here first.
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