Prof Worzel
Once upon a time in an earlier more innocent age, it was a common ploy in sales and marketing circles to offer ‘more for less’. But in the post-corporate age where many are faced with the dilemma of, ‘What can I give the person with everything?’ Modern marketing has the answer. Give them less for more. Make it fat-free, cholesterol-free, nutrition free with no obligation, no deposit and interest-free. In accord with that prevailing zeitgeist, the following article contains no useful information, is 100% fact-free and has no relevant news. Like almost everything else these days it is for entertainment purposes only.
It was in 1995 after they took the rugby from free to air television that in a fit of angry disgruntlement I picked up the telly and threw it on the junk pile. My other media addiction, The New Zealand Herald, persisted for a few years after this. However on the retirement of Gordon McLaughlan and then Garth George along with the steady decline in serious journalism, in disgust, I gave that up also.
However, I have never given up having a fire in my grate over the winter months and in order to kindle it, I need newspaper. So I collect bundles of old Heralds and Advocates from a mate’s place.
There are many advantages to having random copies of outdated newspapers. The crossword is still entertaining enough, and with little hope of finding the subsequent days paper, you don’t have to feel stupid for any wrong answers. I’ve found that regardless of the date of the paper much of the news is the same anyway. It is not really news at all, it is often only recycled olds. Even the weather forecast, if taken from a paper published in the same month, regardless of the year, is as accurate as the current ones.
One noticeable difference from the days of yore is that in their heyday the major dailies informed the reader of what had actually happened. Papers now tend to concentrate largely on what various well-known personages say, along with what might happen in a vague undefined future.
When preparing pages for ceremonial cremation the occasional headline catches my eye. For example, page 4 of the Herald dated 2 Sept 2019 is emblazoned with the headline, ‘PM points finger at anti-vaxxers‘. Accused of being an anti-vaxxer myself and having had no previous knowledge of being pointed at by the PM. I curtailed my fire making activities and began to read.
According to Dr Prime Minister Ardern, myself and other anti-vaxxers were responsible for a measles outbreak. Her look of stern disappointment was reminiscent of a social studies teacher at my secondary school when she learned that due to Rugby and social commitments I had not done an assignment. Not only had I not completed the assignment I had not even begun it. I had no real feelings of guilt and explained that the reason was because I enjoyed playing rugby and socialising more than doing social studies assignments and that surely games and girls were a sort of practical social studies assignment anyway? I struggled to feel any guilt this time either. However, the writer Jason Walls was determined not to let me off the hook so easily. Pouring on the accusations he backed up the PM by quoting a real Doctor called Mike Shepherd who said, “Some children are likely to die because of complications due to measles”. Since I had no idea what these “complications” could possibly be, my heart remained hard while I read on.
It was time for Jason to summon the heavy artillery. Not just a doctor but “The Auckland Regional Public Health Service’s medical officer of health William Rainger” (sic), certainly an astonishingly convoluted title that most of us can only dream of aspiring to. He said, “Some of these people have been very very unwell”. Oh no, surely not the double very? I am unsure if this equates with or surpasses the multiple exclamation mark. One way or another it is obviously very very serious indeed !!!
This was the final and fairly ineffectual thrust of the index finger. The article tailed off with another quote from another notable. Associate Minister of Health Julie Anne Genter said that “New Zealand was not yet at an epidemic level and would reach that stage only if the disease spread to a significant number of other regions across the country.” It occurred to me as I lit the crumpled paper in the firebox that in keeping with the adjunct of ‘Brevity being the soul of wit’ the entire article could have been condensed to ‘Some people have got the measles. 759 in Auckland and a total of 937 cases nationwide’. These were, after all, the only facts. All the rest was false prophecy and unsupported conjecture.
I have yet to find out what particular complications that surround measles are deadly. It is now eight months later and 2020 hindsight reveals that no one died. Bit of an anti-climax really for the anti-vaxxers. Jacinda’s metaphorical finger-pointing failed to engender any perceptible feelings of shame. The whole article, much like this one, was about something that was not even deemed ‘significant’. Or maybe it was merely just a practice run for COVID-19?
© Worzel 2020