Golf record attempt.
Later today the beloved national leader of New Zealand will make an attempt on the world record for the numbers of holes in one in a round of golf. She is hoping to improve on the record of 18 shots, currently held by our good friend Kim Jong-Un, Supreme Leader of the Democratic Peoples’ Republic of Korea. She is certain that she will achieve a complete 18-hole round with a magnificent total of 17 shots. Her previous attempt last year was a trial run when she set herself a target of 75 shots. The resulting score of 365 was heralded as a major achievement. She commented “ when we came to power, we set ourselves targets across all our policy areas, and in this case our target was magnificently overachieved.”
Pinocchio award.
When the Labour party and their comrades in the coalition took office in 2017 they decided that a little light relief was needed to relieve the pressure of managing the great ship of state that is New Zealand. It was then that they instituted the Pinocchio award. The trophy, donated by an undeclared source, was to be awarded to the member of the governing parties whose nose grew the most during their management of the nation.
In a wide field of contenders those in with a strong chance coming into the final furlongs are Golriz Ghahraman, Julie Anne Genter, Marama Davidson, Kelvin Davis, Phil Twyford and Jacinda Ardern. Winston Peters was thought to be an early favourite but is fading with his nasal growth slowing dramatically. The honorary role of Jiminy Cricket will be played by the Minister for Justice, the Honourable Andrew Little, ensuring fair play all round. The Right Honourable Trevor Mallard was considered for this role but was felt to lack the correct degree of impartiality. The winning margin will be expressed in terms of “a nose”, “a short head” or “x lengths”. The winner will be announced on 20th September 2020.
Small business awards
The beloved dear leader of New Zealand has introduced a small business award for success in the small business sector. Early contenders are forecast to include Air New Zealand, becoming a regional airline with ambitions to be an International Airline many years in the future. This entrant is under scrutiny because of possible Government assistance. By closing the borders, it is felt that this gave Air New Zealand an unfair advantage in its attempts to achieve small business status. Fonterra is coming up on the rails with Government inspired increases in its cost base putting it under pressure. The tourist industry, rapidly downsizing, was disqualified on the grounds that it is a sector not a company. However individual companies were invited to reapply on their own behalf. It is not thought that Ngai Tahu will apply as it is felt that the Government will prevent them from achieving small company status.
Dateline London 2nd June 2020
In leaked details from the Honours committee in the UK it is reported that ex-speaker Jon Bercow, ex Labour Party chief of staff Karie Murphy and ex Labour Deputy Leader, Tom Watson have been refused peerages, or indeed any of the other trinkets on offer. This is a major achievement as it is almost unknown for political elevations to the peerage to be refused. Well done everyone!!
It has been revealed that the Premier League football competition will resume on 17th June, being played in empty stadia. There have been intense discussions over this with it being argued that it will give some clubs an unfair advantage. West Ham United whose London Stadium is renowned for lacking in atmosphere will benefit from their players being used to playing in front of silent, soulless crowds. It is felt that this will give them a slight edge in their battle against relegation.
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