See the first part here.
It seems that this is where the CoL get some of their ideas from:
Claire It could be one of those initiatives that you announce but never actually spend the money.
Jim Great. Like the one on child poverty.
Humphrey I have returned with the answer to all your problems.
Global warming.
Jim I thought you were against it?
Humphrey Everybody’s against it, Prime Minister. I suddenly realised that is the beauty of it.
We can get a unanimous agreement with all of our European partners to do something about it.
Jim But how can we do something about something that isn’t happening?
Humphrey It’s much easier to solve an imaginary problem than a real one.
Jim You believe it’s real?
Humphrey Do you? I don’t know.
Jim Neither do I. Haven’t got the faintest idea!
Humphrey But it doesn’t matter what we think.
If everyone else thinks it’s real, they’ll all want to stop it.
So long as it doesn’t cost too much.
So the question now is, what are we going to do about it?
Jim But if it isn’t happening, what can we do about it?
Humphrey Oh, there’s so much we can do, Prime Minister.
We can impose taxes, we can stiffen European rules about carbon emissions, rubbish disposal.
We can make massive investments in wind turbines.
We can, in fact, Prime Minister, under your leadership, agree to save the world.
Jim Well, I like that!
But Russia, India, China, Brazil, they’ll never cooperate.
Humphrey They don’t have to. We simply ask them to review their emissions policy.
Jim And will they?
Humphrey Yes. And then they’ll decide not to change it.
So we’ll set up a series of international conferences.
Meanwhile, Prime Minister, you can talk about the future of the planet.
Jim Yes.
Humphrey You can look statesmanlike.
And it’ll be 50 years before anybody can possibly prove you’re wrong.
And you can explain away anything you said before by saying the computer models were flawed.
Jim The voters will love me!
Humphrey You’ll have more government expenditure.
Jim Yes. How will we pay for it? We’re broke.
Humphrey We impose a special global warming tax on fuel now, but we phase in the actual expenditure gradually. Say, over 50 years?
That will get us out of the hole for now.
Bernard The Germans will be pleased. They have a big green movement.
Claire And we can even get the progs on board!
Bernard As long as they get more benefits than everyone else.
Jim My broadcast is on Sunday morning.
Humphrey You have a day to get the conference to agree.
Jim That’s not a problem.
The delegates will be desperate for something to announce when they get home.
There is one problem. Nothing will have actually been achieved.
Humphrey It will sound as though it has.
So people will think it has. That’s all that matters!
(Later following the BBC interview, beginning 27:34)
Bernard Oh, magnificent, Prime Minister!
Humphrey I think you got away with it, Jim, but the cabinet will have been pretty surprised.
We’ll have to square them fast.
Jim Bubbles!
Humphrey We’re not there yet.
After that interview, you’ll need to announce some pretty impressive action.
Jim An initiative.
Humphrey Yes.
Claire A working party?
Humphrey Bit lightweight.
Bernard A taskforce?
Humphrey Not sure.
Jim Do we have enough in the kitty?
Claire It could be one of those initiatives that you announce but never actually spend the money.
Jim Great. Like the one on child poverty.
Bernard Maybe it should be a government committee?
Jim Well what about a Royal Commission?
Humphrey Yes!
It won’t report for three years, and if we put the right people on it, they’ll never agree about anything important.
Jim Right! A Royal Commission!
No, wait a minute, that makes it sound as if we think it’s important but not urgent.
Claire Well, what about a Global Warming Tsar?
Jim Fine! Would that do it?
Humphrey No, I think it might need a bit more than that, Prime Minister.
It’ll mean announcing quite a big unit, and an impressive salary for that Tsar,
to show how much importance you place upon him.
Jim No problem. Who would it be?
Humphrey Ah, well, it can’t be a political figure. That would be too divisive.
It has to be somebody impartial.
Jim You mean a judge?
Humphrey No, somebody from the real world.
Somebody who knows how to operate the levers of power,
to engage the gears of the Whitehall machine, to drive the engine of government.
Jim That’s quite a tall order. Anybody got any ideas?
Humphrey… Could you?
Bernard Oh!
Humphrey Yes, Prime Minister.