SATIRE
Rod Kane
A crisis has emerged in our prison population with a number of prisons reaching capacity, one inmate/victim per luxury suite, a government spokesperson/thing said. “When you take into account waiting and entertainment staff, the numbers add up”, they/it said.
Contrary to redneck opinion, this was a result of Labour being extremely hard on crime, he/she/it said. The Police have now issued a directive that in future all Police are to ‘constantly reconsider the necessity for arrests’.
“Arrests are not what the Police are for”, said Commissioner ‘Cuddles’ Costive. “We are there to provide wrap-around support to the victims” (previously criminals but rebranded along with 3 pigs). “Plus we have a full-time job enforcing zero road tolls, catching real criminals for breaking the new lower speed limits and writing tickets for driving down one-way streets that used to be two-way. You can’t assume that just because you take your car out for a drive that you can automatically get back just because that’s where your house is. If you are a driver you are part-criminal right from the get-go.”
The government did cancel the building of any new planned prisons, which has brilliantly saved billions of dollars, and they opened all the doors on all the rest, so it is an enigma as to why the problem persists, but it won’t for much longer.
“The prison population has in effect never been lower”, said a correction officer/carer/needs assistant, “but we have a lot of doors here and we are still in the process of opening them all.” He/it went on: ”They could be re-evaluated to become new wrap-around service facilities for the new parolee/victims or a holding facility for those that continue to flout the ‘road to zero’ Government directive and become statistics in violation of our new laws and advertising. Temporary/long-term housing for those in that loop could also be considered, since many of them spent a lot of time here anyway and would know the layout.”
It was also revealed that only 30% of tamariki reoffended after full wrap-around services, which was an “outstanding success” said Caramel Suppository, the Minister for Wraparound Services and Gargantuan Handouts.
“Unfortunately that’s after five minutes of leaving the facilities, and the rest seem to vanish in stolen cars, so obviously more financial resource has to be thrown at it and at their marginalised, disadvantaged parents”, she said. “We are considering free credit cards for access to vape clinics and gambling facilities, we will attack need where the need is, and then perhaps look at the ‘nice to have’ things like food and housing”, she triumphantly went on.
In other news, the Minister for Local Affairs Mr Karen McAnally defended his proposal for the ‘new’ democracy which is not new because it has been clearly defined in the treaty, and that was ages ago.
“One person one vote is not how we do it in New Zealand”, he said, the shock registering on the assembled media’s faces because they didn’t know what he meant by “New Zealand”. “Aotearoa, surely?” one was heard to quiver and sob.
“Maori are entitled to 50% at least of everything in my view and this has been upheld in NZ law courts recently. Five votes for Maori to one of you imports seems abundantly obvious. It’s all part of our partnership as defined in the Geoffrey Palmer (Labour PM for five minutes) Treaty and what he doesn’t know about law and bubbly personality isn’t worth knowing”, he went on in a subdued drone, sending the paint on the walls instantly dull, and the synthetic flowers in the clear plastic vases limp.
“Now that we have fairness and equity in all the councils, in all the teaching institutions, in our hospitals with preferential admission, in all our water, SNAs’ land, RMA applications, pharmaceutical supplies, government job applications, med school admissions and everything else…it seems only fair to apply it to the election results as well”, he beamed with a smile reminiscent of a proctologist’s favourite office painting.