SATIRE
Rod Kane
This week it was announced by the PM Mr Chumpy Schitkins (Slippery Chumpy) that news would be forthcoming imminently on the final solution to the taxpayer question… with regard to water anyway.
Mr Schitkens and the MP for the Wairarapa, Mr Karen McAnally flew in one day and took the podium; one standing slightly below the other, but not enough to make either look short.
The PM started: “Today, after months of hard work, constant deliberation and with a team of consultants we are pleased to announce that we have an end to all grievance about Three Waters. The changes are huge,” he went on, “but not huge enough to make it look like we didn’t know what we were doing in the first place and rushed it. If any of you think that then best you leave now.
“I am passing the podium over to your well-loved local MP Karen McAnally who will tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing like the truth,” he said, with a cheeky Chippyish smile.
“Good afternoon transgenders and non-binaries,” Mr McAnally began, with another Chippyish smile, “Today five-plus waters now becomes the ‘Affordable Pig’, and that is a huge step forward taking months to devise. In addition to that massive leap you no longer have four entities divvying up the… err… sharing the responsibilities; there will be ten, and there are also a few irrelevant details such as removal of the $1.5 billion incentive to councils. We have replaced the incentive with a mandate for joining the scheme, thus saving $1.5 billion. The councils still own the asset, there is no co-governance and there never was, and we are thrilled that you will be thrilled with this solution. Are there any questions?”
After the applause had died down and backslapping come to an end from the gathered mainstream media, and the lamingtons/sausage rolls had been passed around, one lone fool in the crowd, obviously not from an approved media, asked what had happened to the co-governance aspect.
“There was no mention of the fact that iwi will have total control of the various levels of bureaucracy, nor any mention of the Mana o te Wai statements which the governing levels pass down and would have to be obeyed,” he offered. “This could mean selling off the asset or charging huge sums for the water to be paid to iwi,” he gingerly went on, eyes darting fervently around the gathering narrowing eye-slits.
The shock could be felt in the air as the temperature dropped a good 10 degrees. The speaker went on: “There is also the small matter that the councils do not have ownership at all; you have stripped the councils of their assets, given nothing in return and have given iwi a 50 per cent controlling share at all levels, PLUS the iwi members are unelected to council wards. Their Mana o te Wai statements HAVE to be obeyed. Plus if the whole shebang goes mammaries up, neither the government nor iwi carry the risk – the ratepayers do, even though they no longer own the asset and do not have a controlling say in the management. Where does that work anywhere else in the world?”
The hatred on the field could be tasted and smelt. The general hum in the air became more of an unpleasant feral vibration felt through the Red Bands.
Enraged, Mr McAnally wrung the neck off the microphone and spat pure stomach acid onto the highly burnished mahogany lecturn. “There is NO co-governance and there never was! Iwi will have a rightful place at the table with only a 50 per cent share of the say plus part of the council say because that is what is in the Treaty. I forget which clause! The assets have NOT been stolen: they have been transferred at no cost, saving the taxpayer billions,” he fumed and raged. “Further to that only iwi have a special place for water; you cis white imported migrants have no affinity for water, you have no idea what water is. Besides… it’s all there in He Puapua.”
A small blacked-out van with two men in white coats turned up and took the remains of the errant questioner away.
Back at the Beehive, the leader of the National party was asked what he thought. “It’s really quite disappointing.” he said. “I’m not sure I go along with it completely and I still don’t know what co-governance means.”
The Maori party said it didn’t go anywhere near far enough. “It’s one thing owning the water,” the chief mad hatter said, “But what about the ground it flows on, and the air it passes under…that’s ours too.”
The Green party didn’t know what was meant by ‘water’: “Is it cis water or non-binary water or asexual water or transwater?” asked a spokes-something that looked like it had just fallen out of a bitumen furnace. Imported bitumen.
Matt King said it was divisive, an utter disgrace and showed the depths of racist depravity that this incompetent government had sunk to, but by then the MSM had turned away to finish up the last of the lamingtons before the fruit flies did.