Our Prime Minister is having woman problems.
When asked to define the word ‘woman’ and despite standing less than a metre from a real life example, he was flummoxed. He doesn’t seem to notice women. I on the other hand notice women a lot. Been noticing them all my life. Well, I did until the police told me to stop.
From a lifetime of noticing them, I have compiled a handy guide for those, like our current Prime Minister, who have trouble noticing them at all.
BIOLOGY
Let’s start with the basics. To tell if someone is a woman you can either examine their chromosomes or see one naked. I prefer the second approach. The internet is a great help here. If you prefer looking down a high-powered microscope to logging into girlsgonewild.com then the question of why you can’t spot women has been answered – you are gay. Gays don’t notice women unless they are wearing something new from Versace or are carrying a small dog.
If you gaze upon the magnificence of the female form you will see they are curvy where men are not. If you gaze long enough you will also learn that men are hard where they are not.
PSYCHOLOGY
Men and women have many differences beyond the physical. The movie star Jack Nicholson, a man who had a lot of experience with women, summed these up as ‘They’re stronger than us, they stick together and they don’t fight fair’. All men with ex-wives who got their house, their car and half their income while restricting their access to the kids to once every second leap-year, will see the truth of this statement.
Of course, by stronger we mean mentally. Something to do with women being better acquainted with the facts of life. Women give birth and inevitably are the ones who take care of those who die. Men prefer to skulk in doctor’s waiting rooms, handing out cigars or calculating their inheritance.
For the same reason, unlike men, women do not enjoy toilet humour. It’s hard to find poo funny when you have spent half your life cleaning it up.
HABITS
A handy hint to telling women apart from men is that in any social gathering the ones who are speaking at any given time are most likely to be women. This can be expressed mathematically in the famous Fleischer equation: W=MC2 (Where ‘M’ is the number of males and ‘C’ the time elapsed since one of them first said to one of their wives, “We’d better be going soon.”) Fleischer himself has been defamed as a misogynist when all he was attempting to do was get away from faculty dinner parties at a reasonable hour.
This female propensity for communication has had results both magnificent and dire. It has given us female writers such as Jane Austen, the Brontë sisters and Emily Dickinson, driven by a passion for expressing their feelings in the most vivid and penetrating prose. On the other hand, it has given us the female politician. These seem uniquely unable to shut up. Our own Jacinda Ardern took the opportunity offered by the Covid pandemic to lecture the nation on kindness in daily televised briefings. These competed in length with the infamously long speeches given by Fidel Castro, the former dictator of Cuba – but even he had to occasionally stop speaking to re-light his cigar.
ABILITIES
Women are everywhere, Prime Minister. Throw a rock and you’ll hit one. And they probably won’t be able to throw it back. Men and women can be separated by ability. Men are more gifted in arm wrestling, parallel parking and most sports. Women are gifted in other areas – y’know the things that actually matter. Survival for example. Many men barely survive that brief period between leaving home and finding a wife. A single woman’s home is clean, orderly and pleasing to the eye. A single man’s home resembles Beirut circa 1985.
Women also have a particular talent, honed over millennia, for pointing out exactly where men go wrong. Which men really appreciate. Especially when they display this talent in front of a large gathering of their friends.
REPRODUCTION
If the Prime Minister is really confused as to what a woman is, he could do no better than to ask his mum. Women have exclusive rights to the miracle of birth. There’s a difference right there. Only a man could possibly call the gruelling process of birthing a human being a ‘miracle’. Women call it ‘the most painful five hours of my life’.
DRESS
An obvious way to tell women from men is to pay attention to their clothes. If you cannot pay attention to clothes then you are male. To men, female attire falls into three distinct categories: lingerie, swimsuits and everything else. A Donna Karan is to us indistinguishable from a Warehouse bargain bin house dress. That is why it is completely nonsensical for a woman to don a dress and ask a man, “how do I look?” Would you trust the gender that voluntarily wears Stubbies?
See Prime Minister, spotting women is easy. In fact, it seems so obvious to most of us, we are confused by your confusion. But what we are less confused about, is who we’ll vote for.
And it won’t be for a man who can’t tell Arthur from Martha.