SATIRE
Rod Kane
The official road toll figures were released today and the results show a 13 per cent increase in fatalities in spite of an innovative ‘Road To Zero’ government approach of pure genius which has cost many tens of millions of taxpayer dollars.
“It should have worked,” said the PM, Cross Schitkins. “We put so much into the advertising, mobilising every Maori advertising agency we could muster, with lots of cartoons with the odd obligatory, token whitey, some really ugly toll operators, plenty of split-second frame shots with open mouths and googoo eyeballs and mumbo jumbo dialogue that nobody could understand. What could go wrong? It just doesn’t make sense… are people deliberately dying on roads to defy the results?” he mused.
In fact the government had gone much further than just advertising. All secondary roads now had a speed limit of 7mph and all vehicles had to have a transgender, non-cis, non-white transport co-governor walking ahead with a red flag between lines of cones.
“This was not a new initiative” said a spokesman. “It was last tried in 1904 but they didn’t have 65 genders back then and this time the red flag co-governor gets to decide the speed of the carriage and the route as well as the destination: that will slow the motorist down and save lives. Besides, it will be quicker to walk.”
In other news today, a barrage of hate stormed from the ranks of the infuriated public over the terrible violence from the trans brigade and various anti-violence MPs present at the one-sided battle. The MP who stood in the middle of the road taking photographs of motorbikes and putting herself in the path of one, happened to be wearing some sort of a armoured vest under her shirt it has been revealed in close-up photographs. A government spokesman said, “How perceptive it was and what foresight she had in foreseeing a violent end to a peaceful protest that she actually wore an armoured vest to a peaceful rally? Brilliant! That is why she is the government’s anti-violence minister. We have more like her in the ranks.” Meanwhile a perpetrator of the violent attack against a women’s rights defender was awarded the Kiwibank ‘person of the year’. Well done NZ. Only in NZ… or maybe the new Aotearoa.
After yet another day of revelations about Minister Stewed Gnash, on top of all the above, the PM was forced to make an announcement of an announcement, and the deflective announcement (x2) will be about a new harbour crossing.
It is not known which route it will take, whether it will be a bridge or a tunnel (or both, or neither), when it will start, if at all, even less when it will end – and it has a projected cost of somewhere in the order of 30 to 130 billion, but could exceed these figures to the power of 10.
It will definitely have a bike lane, a walking lane and a public transport lane, possibly a trans lane and a cis lane but anything beyond that will be unnecessary given the planned lack of fuel for petrol/diesel vehicles and the danger of electric vehicles exploding on the thoroughfare.
The National Party today unveiled a brilliant green plan for the doubling of power output from regenerative means. Wind farms and solar will be the new powering sources it was confidently announced.
Sadly a bystander was tragically crushed when he announced that wind turbines only have a life of 20 years, the fibreglass towers and blades have to go to landfills and are prone to constant failure, such as fires, and just plain don’t work on a good day. Much the same goes for solar he went on to say: the mined resource is hugely polluting and don’t plan on lighting it up at night. RIP.
In another historical move the government today gave Mount Taranaki the same rights and privileges accorded to it as a living person. The govt will share governance of Mr/Ms/them/they Taranaki with six of the local tribes who state that anyone who misuses/abuses Mr/Mrs/them/they Taranaki will be treated as if they abused/misused the local tribe. Deaths are predicted to sharply increase in the area and the Police Commissioner has terrifyingly said that he will be ‘casting a watchful eye’. “The new person/thing/it is still only young at 120,000 years old so it will be a difficult time for us as thing/he she/it adjusts and goes through the usual adolescent stage of ram raids, robberies, muggings and being so big we expect some damage.” He said, holding his lower jaw and lowering his voice and eyebrows at the same time..
The last geographical entity to be accorded human status and handed over to Maori guardians was Te Urewera National Park, which has since been blocked off to the public, buildings defecated in, walks left to degenerate and rot and all huts burnt to the ground, while still costing the taxpayer $2.2 million per year to the Maori governors for maintenance.
So this new entity should go rather well.