Nigel X. Fink, 13, is desperate to escape his dysfunctional family. He emails “weird” billionaires for cash, promoting himself as an up and coming entrepreneur and “fanatical capitalist” while his family plummets into poverty in “Aotearoa.”
WARNING!!!!!
Cigarette smoking, vaping, drinking alcohol and being a spineless, grovelling comrade citizen can be injurious to your health. Neither of the main characters in this book promote or endorse the aforementioned.
NOTE: Spelling and punctuation can be problematic for Nigel X. Fink, a product of the modern education sistem.
Non-judgmentalism would be appreciated.
MAIN CHARACTERS
Nigel X. Fink
His dad Dunk Fink
SECONDARY CHARACTERS
His mum Ms Fink
His gran
His grandad
Tane his bestest friend
Craig his London mate
Mercedes Fink his sister
Sharon his on/well off girlfriend
Class Swab social engineer remodelling the world
George Zeros billionaire social engineer remodelling the world
Bill Gates billionaire social engineer remodelling the world
Elon Musk his billionaire mate
BIT PLAYERS
Joe Biden puppet president of the USA
Donald Trump despised former President of the USA
Aunty Helen backroom string puller/ventriloquist, minor social engineer remodelling the world
John Sykes mall ram raider, apprentice GANGSTA
Prime Minister of Aotearoa, celeb SPIN QUEEN apprentice GLOBAL social engineer (uncredited)
Dedication
To the sheep of the world
Chapter Four
Tane
Dad is ready.
He sold our car and bought a small van and has put signs on it. Don’t Flunk get Dunk the happy handyman. Dad is not happy today.
The van got vandalised last night and someone put in a rude word for Flunk.
When I was going out to have a look Gran ran in front of me shouting don’t look Nigel! Don’t look! you’re only 13!
Dad said it’s just another setback.
Gran clipped him over the ear and told him to buck up his ideas.
He is supposed to be a roll model to me.
Dad said I do not need a roll model.
Just a MIRACLE!!!!!
He got overalls with the slogan DUNK THE HAPPY HANDYMAN over the back for him and me.
He says he is thinking of starting a franchise so other people can do the work and he takes the cash. Gran said he has not even started.
The landlord asked if dad will chop down the walnut tree at the back of our property. He said no prob. He’s just gone to hire a chainsaw and trailer. He has never used a chainsaw before. We are having a crack at it on Saturday.
Nige
Tane
Dad and me went and checked out the walnut tree.
We had our new overalls on. Dad looked up into the tree.
The branches went all over the next door neighbours.
Then he looked at me real solem like and says Naw!
He told the landlord he was a conservationalist and rationalist and could not bring himself to cut down such a beautiful walnut tree.
CRAIG
School is SO BORING!!!! No wonder there are so many trueants.
There are no true thinkers here.
NO ENTREPUNERS like Elon!!
The teachers are all jocks or nerds.
RUGBY! RUGBY! CRICKET! CRICKET! or COMPOSTING or EVs or CLIMATE CHANGE! Or FARTING COWS or how we’re going to burn or be drowned in rising oceans and how we have to grow more trees and how we should not be using fossil fuels and all the hippocrit teachers drive to school in gas guzzling EUVs and drive hundreds of miles at the weekends to go skiing, then it is how dangerous COVID is and how we have to keep wearing mickey mouse masks and getting more and more mickey mouse VAX TILL U DIE jabs that were supposed to keep us safe from Covid and not clog up the hospitals and how we are not recycling enough and we’re not inclusive enough and we have to be RAINBOW people and learn more MAORI or we will all be called the worstest things you can be called HOMOFOBES and RACISTS!!!
Then we get how Putin and the Americans and the Chinese and maybe North Korea and Iran are going to have a NUCLEAR WAR and how unfair it is that theres pay inequity and we have to be careful to girls and not be misoginist and how GIRLS need impowering even though our school principle Ms Horncastle is a woman (I think!!!), and I was taught by only women in primary school, our local vicar is a WOMAN, our local MP is a woman, the Prime Minister, our sole sauce of truth, is a Woman, our top judge is a WOMAN, and the Governor General is a WOMAN! and the QUEEN of England is a woman and grandad who was once a tent boxer in the Oz outback and has a mashed nose to prove it says gran wears the trousers in our house and has to be obeyed and dad says to many men have lost their spirit and become woke and been castrated whatever that means and at school they keep banging on how women can do anything and are so much better than BOYS!!! So get outa the way.
THEY’RE TAKIN OVER!!
AND BOYS CANT BE BOYS!!
WE GOTTA BE SOME SCREWED UP WEAK CUDDLY FEMENIST!!
And be like those ankle biting bits of fluff old ladies lead around on a LEASH!!!!!
It is doing my head in Craig!!!!!!!!!!
Even me a entrepruner and secret political activist!!!!
I might become a trueant.
Sharon
Sweet thing!!!! Thank you for admitting me to the Young Asses. I feel priviliged to serve alongside YOU in such a NOBLE Cause!!
YOUNG As – As – not, what you wrote NIGEL!!! CRETIN!
WHAT!! SHARON you misunderstand me. Please do not be so judgemental!!!!
Your membership of the Young As is now under review Nigel. I was warned about admitting anyone with an IT pronoun!!!!
Nigel
Has your father been vaxxed yet? Your birth parent.
Naw. He’s starting a handyman biz!!!!!! We have to wear masks again at school!!!
I could have guessed he wouldn’t. They scanned his brain once. Nothing there. As for handyman, He can’t even change a light bulb
He had a prob two days ago.
What?
Dad says he was handing out ad leaflets in a supermarket carpark and gave one to an old woman on a walker.
He spooked her.
Next thing this old duck is going off her head!!
RAPIST! RAPIST!
Dad says a man ran over and pushed him in the chest then swung a punch.
Dad says he ducked then punched this dude with a punch grandad taught him right in the spot where no man wants to be punched.
The security came out grabbed dad and said he could be guilty of assault.
Dad said he acted in self defence.
The man was howling with pain.
Security did not call the cops but they said dad was banned from the supermarket first for not wearing a mask second for upsetting old ladies and third for punching a man below the belt in the family jewels.
Dad says the old lady was dotty in the head.
He feels like he has been bitten by a rabid dog!!!!!!!!!!!
He is turning into a hermite.
MUMMM!!!
The COPS came last night, a policewoman and policeman and warned Dad to keep away from the supermarket and if he failed to wear a mask at businesses where they are needed he will be prosecuted.
They said dad had already come to their attention for not SIGNING OR SCANNING IN at shops.
You have a reputation Mr Fink the policewoman said.
Dad said he might be an unemployed dog food worker but he was not a PUPPET OR A MUPPET or a @!!#@? SHEEP!!!
She said I am glad to hear that Mr Fink but I think you have been listening to misinformation.
Dad says Aotearoa the new LAND OF THE BRAVE AND FREEE!!!
Scare ‘em, scan ‘em, microchip ‘em, isolate ‘em, jab ‘em, shut ‘em down, sack ‘em, track ‘em, silence ‘em, CONTROL ‘em, CANCEL ‘EM!!!!!!
HAW! HAW!
WEIRD!!!
The cops said nothing and walked to their car.
Then dad went CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He yelled out
SIG HAIL! SIG HAIL!
And started goose-stepping down the path following them and raising his arm in a salute.
As they drove away he kept it up.
SIG HAIL! SIG HAIL!
I think it has something to do with World War 2.
He had not been drinking anything other than a cup of tea.
Your dad is a Fascist!!!!
What’s that?
AN IMBECILE!!!
What’s that?
I thought you were a second Elon Musk?
Please leave Elon out of this mum. Our relationship is personal and private.
How is it going with Musk?
He just sent me some private personal advice through his Twitter account to 100.9 million followers – for improved quality of sleep raise head of your bed by about 2in or 5cm and don’t eat three hours before bedtime. He says the population of Mars is still ZERO people!!!!! I did not know that!!!!!
Hey Bill Gates
How come ELON MUSK has 199.9 million Twitter followers and you have only 59.8 million !!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAW! HAW!
Dear NASA,
I am a young entrepruner in the little country of New Zealand or as we are now ordered to call it Aotearoa.
I am seeking information on your inmate programme for promising mature high school young scientists. I am a personal friend of Elon Musk.
I am willing to become a citizen of the United States even tho your president seems very OLD AND DODDERY and calls African Americans who voted for Trump NON-BLACK and cannot run up airplane steps without falling over and reads a teleprompter saying end of quote repeat the line and who likes STROKING HAIRY PEOPLE’S LEGS!!! CREEPY!! and giving Hillary Clinton long bear hugs CREEPY AGAIN!!
I would love to start a new life away from my disfuncting family and anti VAX TILL U DIE father.
I have many bold exciting ideas and have a few suggestions.
Congratulations on your photos from the James Webb Space Telescope showing thousands of galaxies that were once invisible to us.
They were quite good tho they looked a bit OUT OF FOCUS.
Nige,
Down Under entrepruner
Craig
Add another one to the CLIMATE CHANGE, COVID, RACISM, HOMOFOBE, SEXISM, NUCLEAR WAR list.
We could be hit by falling ROCK DEBRIS from space in the NEXT 10 YEARS!!!
I’ve taken up VAPING!!