Nigel X. Fink, 13, is desperate to escape his dysfunctional family. He emails “weird” billionaires for cash, promoting himself as an up and coming entrepreneur and “fanatical capitalist” while his family plummets into poverty in “Aotearoa.”
WARNING!!!!!
Cigarette smoking, vaping, drinking alcohol and being a spineless, grovelling comrade citizen can be injurious to your health. Neither of the main characters in this book promote or endorse the aforementioned.
NOTE: Spelling and punctuation can be problematic for Nigel X. Fink, a product of the modern education sistem.
Non-judgmentalism would be appreciated.
MAIN CHARACTERS
Nigel X. Fink
His dad Dunk Fink
SECONDARY CHARACTERS
His mum Ms Fink
His gran
His grandad
Tane his bestest friend
Craig his London mate
Mercedes Fink his sister
Sharon his on/well off girlfriend
Class Swab social engineer remodelling the world
George Zeros billionaire social engineer remodelling the world
Bill Gates billionaire social engineer remodelling the world
Elon Musk his billionaire mate
BIT PLAYERS
Joe Biden puppet president of the USA
Donald Trump despised former President of the USA
Aunty Helen backroom string puller/ventriloquist, minor social engineer remodelling the world
John Sykes mall ram raider, apprentice GANGSTA
Prime Minister of Aotearoa, celeb SPIN QUEEN apprentice GLOBAL social engineer (uncredited)
Dedication
To the sheep of the world
Chapter Three
Hey Craig.
FIST BUMP!!
I’ve got a girlfriend.
Her name’s SHARON.
She has been CHASING ME FOR AGES!!!! and is PUTTY in my hands.
I had to meet her in a dark little caf on the other side of town.
It was dark.
The sort of place where old people go and drink coffee and read books to fill in their day.
You would melt if you saw Sharon.
SOOOOOOOOOO cool!!!
We had a deep meaningful conversation as you would expect from someone like me who is on such good terms with Elon Musk.
Sharon said I was to short for her and my complexion left a lot to be desired and she hates what she reckons is my lack of clothes sense and reckons I’ve got yellow teeth and my bad breath would knock over a column of camels (It WOULD NOT!!!!!) but she still thinks I have that something extra.
THE X FACTOR that could mean we could be set on FIRE and have a strong and lasting relationship. She looked into the deepest parts of my eyes (It was ROMANTIC) and kept asking me
ARE YOU PASSIONATE NIGEL?
CAN I TRUST YOU?
CAN I TRUST YOU?
You would think she was going to give me the crown jewels or something!!!!!!!
When we left she said she would go out first and I was to wait another two minutes before I left. WEIRD!
BUT I HIT IT OFF BRO.
NO PROB!!!
Will keep you posted.
Hey Nige.
IRELAND BEAT THE ALL BLACKS AGAIN!!!!!!!.
Tell me about it. Dad has been in a bad mood ever since.
Hey Tane
Dad still cant get a job because he won’t take the VAX TILL U DIE JAB!!!
He keeps saying BIG PHARMA are cleaning up big time with rinky dinky guess work jabs that were rail roaded to make billions quick.
Until he finds another job gran said he’ll have to become an odd job man so he’s posted on notice boards at supermarkets.
Don’t Flunk get Dunk the Happy Handyman – gardening, cleaning, supermarket shopping. No chore too small for the most passionate handyman in town, your man Dunk.
Dad. Passionate!!!
HAW! HAW!
Hey Tane. Not laughing now. Gran says I will have to help dad at WEEKENDS!!!
Dear Elon.
I am now on Twitter. You say you have a penchant for creative socks.
Being a creative entrepruner I do to!! I have a gran who is a very creative knitter, socks no prob. Her giraffe design is really creative and COOOOL!
Drop me a line if you are interested. You say you are doing your best to help the underpopulation crisis.
GOOD ON YOU!
The world needs more MUSKETEERS!
HAW! HAW!
I would love to help but I am to young. Have you got my emails?
Nige southern entrepruner
Hey Mercedes
Gran has just mailed the super cool yellow and blue jumper to you.
HAW! HAW!
Remember to wear it when you next see her or you are DEAD MEAT sis.
Hey Craig
Sharon txted to meet her and some friends at the El Paso.
Craig
I am now a member of a secret society.
Sharon ls the head of our school’s Young Anarchists Against Exploitation of Animals and The Environment. Young Asses for short.
They go under cover so that’s why I have to take two buses to get to the El Paso.
They pretend they are a poetry reading group reading stuff from a man named George Elliott, Charles Dickens sister Emily and that Indian babe Rupi Kerr.
There were three others there besides Sharon.
They are all girls and love Thora Thunderberg.
The other three did not want ME in at first.
One of them asked what pronoun did I go by.
You know me Craig. I am not muscle man MACHO but I thought that was obvious.
This girl is in year 12.
She said hers were they and them then she said to Sharon where did you drag him up from???????? Sharon smoothed things so they settled on me being it and it tried to be cool by saying things like there are far too many farting sheep and cows in the country and that we need more inclusion apart from right wing fundamentalists and Christians.
I had to swear an oath on a stack of Green Party manefestos to be loyal steadfast and true to the constitution of the Young Asses.
They say HUMANS ARE THE ENEMY of the earth!!!!
Their big plan is to shut down the two big meat works, an abattoir, live animal exports, two dairy factories, horse racing, two battery chicken farms, and the dog food factory here which will probably kill the local economy.
But as they keep saying at school you have to have goals and it will reduce the carbon footprint.
HAW! HAW!
I had to take another formal oath not to reveal any of the secrets like their plan this weekend.
My weekends are not tied up yet cos Dad has not got any clients. He’s done a paper drop. So Sharon says they are starting small and will build up by targeting duck-shooting on Saturday.
Your Kiwi mate Nige
Craig
Last night I went to Sharon’s home. Her home is in a posh part of town with a fourcourt in front of the house with a big campervan and speedboat parked next to three SUVss!!!!!.
Her father answered the door.
He’s a lawjer.
I had to bend my head to look up at him.
You shoulda seen the look on his face when he saw me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sharon arrived and explained she was helping me with my homework as part of a programme at school to get slow learners up to speed.
I did not like that but let it go.
Mr Shudderthwaite that’s her dad’s name, said he never knew she was doing charity work.
Her mum said hello and she mumbled something about my CHEAP HORRIBLE shoes coming from THE WAREHOUSE!!
She sells real estate after being inlightened years ago.
SHARON whispered this to me and said NOT TO TELL ANYONE OR SHE WILL KILL ME!!! But her mum had been a ladies underwear salesperson and FURRIER!!!
HAW! HAW!
We went to Sharon’s room and painted placards for Saturday.
I did not want to paint placards but even though Sharon is putty in my hands I had to. They were
DON’T F*&&%%$$@! WITH DUCKS!
DUCK OFF!
DUCKS DESERVE BETTER!
HOW CAN U DUCK SO LOW!
DUCKS HAVE RIGHTS!
HUG TREES LOVE DUCKS
WOULD YOU SHOOT DONALD DUCK?
That last one is MINE!!!
Cool eh?
Your Kiwi mate Nige
Dear Elon
I hope you are not to busy inventing and repopulating the earth.
I have become a political activist.
I am with you when you say the moon brought us together in 69 and Mars can do it in the future but please press pause on my bold exciting new ideas that you have yet to see.
Let me know about the socks if you are still interested.
Gran is super quick on the needles!!!!
I will be in touch.
Yours in cutting edge technology
Nige,
entrepruner from Down Under
CRAIG!! FIST BUMP BRO!!!!!!!!!!WE MADE A LOCAL PAPER!! FRONT PAGE!!!
Sharon arranged it with a reporter.
She told a small fib that we would be out in the country harassing shooters but we could meet the reporter and a photographer outside their office.
Sharon said they are under staffed and propped up by government money and are so desperate to fill the rag every week they will take nearly anything that looks like news even if it’s spin.
FAKE NEWS RIGHT!!!
The reporter said she wanted a photo of us with the placards. Since we are a secret society we cannot be photographed but Sharon came up with the brill idea of getting a photo at the duck pond in the botanical gardens with us wearing our masks and Sharon is in the story as spokesperson for the group.
She told another little fib that we call ourselves the Non-judgmental Youth for Better Sustainable Futures Coalition.
Ive attached a pic of the front page of us and our placards and wearing our masks.
Cool heading
DUCK OFF!
Nige