Government Thinking Explainer Editor:
Megan Woods’s announcement of a joint environmental and aerospace project to ‘lift off’ on the Kaitorete Spit has progressed.
The Project, Tawhaki, a partnership between Te Taumutu Runanga and Wairewa Runanga and the Crown, will continue to develop an aerospace research and development facility, including a space launch, which would net about $300 million a year, in 10 years’ time.
She said in the initial announcement, “Suitable sites for a space launch and aerospace testing facilities are scarce globally and these long two fingers of land along the coast of Canterbury are an ideal location. I’m delighted that we can come together in partnership with Kaitorete Limited to achieve collective conservation, cultural and economic wins.”
However, the initial landscaping plans have been put on hold due to the extreme fire risk thousands of native trees would pose with the inevitable horrendous explosions often experienced during blast off.
As a result, preliminary discussions are underway with Israel to buy an Iron dome-like missile defence system around Christchurch in case the space waka decided to circle back and take the city out.
Fortunately though, with the application of a few spare $millions, great progress has been made in the building of the space waka.
Suitable totara trees were sourced and felled. Tohungas at great expense muttered suitable arcane incantations, and carving will be set in motion once the wood is well seasoned.
Inquiries are being made with NASA about purchasing suitable booster rockets which will be attached like outriggers.
At a special announcement from the site, Megan Woods said, “The first space mission will be in memory of Maui who journeyed to the sun and beat the fiery beast into submission with his magic jaw bone benefiting of all personkind.
“It probably needs another good beating over climate change – so all good.
“Actually, beating into submission with a magic jawbone is is a great example of something the rest of the western world can learn from our indigenous Maori scientists.”
Our own Jacinda has made good use of it.
“We also have a plan B,” she said, “a huge sausage roll factory can be built on the site – actually Grant has said this is a much better idea and would stump up the money immediately.
“It would actually make my visits to Christchurch enjoyable.”
UPDATE: When it was put to Minister Woods that the whole aerospace-boondoggle was just a smokescreen to cover the government once again buying private land and gifting it to iwi, she pointed out that Jacinda Ardern, Minister of Refuting, had already completely refuted the idea of such things happening.
News Briefs:
Sovereignty to be ceded:
The Prime Minister, Princess Jacinda Ardern, announced today that under He Puapua the Crown would be formally ceding sovereignty of Aotearoa to an elite collection of iwi.
“As Aotearoa,” she said, “is riven with white supremacy, white privilege and racism, we need the calming influence of tino rangatira (rule by chiefs), tikanga (Maori lore) and the thoughtful wisdom of tohunga to steer us back to the more gentle and peaceful times of pre colonisation.
“In another world first, I will make my mark (x), along with my ministers, on a newly minted treaty late next year. This will also signal the end of all those yucky elections as well.”
Unions to be abolished:
Minister of Bankruptcies, Michael Wood, signalled the end of all unions, saying basically it was more cost-effective if the government set all wages and conditions. It makes things much simpler, and anyway, Aotearoa will be lucky if any businesses are left standing by the end of next year so unions are moot.
Top tip for a carbonless Christmas:
Don’t burn the turkey.
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