Labour Government Explainer Editor
The Minister of Shovels, Michael Wood, speaking from Jacinda Ardern’s Facebook bunker in a Zoom briefing to media heads, explained the reason for the lack of progress on major shovel-ready infrastructure projects.
“You might not have noticed,” he said, “to speed things up, The Minister of Deliveries has cancelled most of the projects.”
“The reason for this is not the lack of cash – we can just print more – but the chronic shortage of shovels worldwide.
“We have hundreds of thousands of people on job seeker benefits just waiting to spring into action when shovels become available.
“China is working to address the shovel shortage, but as ‘Aotearoa’ does not yet register in their computer ordering systems or have a credit rating system, we are once again at the back of the queue.
“It is also important that the poorer, less fortunate and most vulnerable third world get theirs first – we can expect our delivery sometime in 2040.
“All those on job seeker benefits can expect a text soon asking them to register for their shovel – once registered another text will be sent for an appointment to pick them up.”
Labour thinking Explainer Editor
Speaking from their armchairs at the Jolly Gentlemen’s Sausage Roll Parlour, the Takato (sports) Minister Grant Robertson and Tau Iwi (foreign) Minister Nanaia Mahuta called on the Olympic committee to pare back the huge amount of minority elitist sports in the Olympics.
“Rowing,” said Minister Mahuta, “is a looking-backwards, white privileged relic of the past, as are cycling and horse riding. We need to move on from our racist, colonist mindset.
Other Labour thinking news: The Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern revealed plans to keep Aotearoa in a state of permanent lockdown.
She said she had listened to the suggestions of the world’s elites to keep the country as a safe haven for the super rich.
It is obvious that America is descending into a lawless hellhole with its open borders and defunded police.
As part of our immigration reset, we really only want super-wealthy people coming here – bringing their money with them.
Thankfully that will mean we can wave goodbye to all our yucky farming stuff.
Billionaires can help out by buying up the farms and turning them into private estates.
The elite are also looking at moving the UN headquarters to Aotearoa as New York has become too dangerous.
Marxist Academics Explainer Editor
After alerting the world to the shocking news that the Vagina Museum in Camden, UK, had been forced to close, Dr Souxie Wells, the internationally famous glowing jellyfish expert, called on the government to establish a similar museum in Aotearoa.
“It would rival Te Papa,” she said.
“A national museum, to be called Te Mama would be a world first, leading by example – consensus science – progressive thinking at its best.
“In today’s multiple gender world vaginas have become meaningless to women – so a vagina museum, from a historical-interest-only perspective, is needed. I would encourage all women to leave theirs to the museum on their deaths. They will be fantastic baskets of knowledge for our future rangatahi.”
“There is no need for a penis museum,” she added, “they are already in oversupply. Universities being a great example.”
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