Labour Government Explainer Editor
The Minister for Kindness, Jacinda Ardern announced today that a new holiday, HART Week, would replace ANZAC day in Aotearoa as our national day of remembrance.
“Most of the old soldiers from past wars”, she said, “have passed away and the idea of ANZAC has faded into oblivion – it was yucky anyway.
“The Springbok rugby tour was in an age when the old New Zealand was at war with itself. It was a time of great heroism where a small minority of the magnificent generation battled against white supremacism.
“So it is time for a remembrance week, something more suitable for my vision of a progressive, kind, co-governance Aotearoa. The new mantra lest you forget will replace old and tired lest we forget. It will echo down the generations to come.
“In keeping with Aotearoa’s great reset, new heroes are needed and ‘the tour’ protest veterans are these heroes.
“Already Neve, along with many mokopuna, is asking her Koro, ‘What did you do in the tour?’ Such is the significance of this historic event to today’s rangatahi.
“The week of remembrance will start with a dawn service lead by a cacophony of bullhorns.
“The spine tingling chant: one two three four we don’t want your racist tour will echo through the land – followed by a veterans’ march in all major centres – all wearing their original black motorcycle helmets and carrying their trusty pick-axe handles.
“A Cessna will drop flour bombs on an empty rugby field in an action-packed re-enactment of those fateful days when a new nation was created.”
In Wellington, a team of Chinese construction workers, generously provided under the Belt and Road initiative, has erected overnight a magnificent new HART memorial to the Forgotten Protester.
Lest you forget…
COVID Variants Explainer Editor
The shocking news that the delta (Indian) variant, which ripped through India, is spread mainly through flatulence, has sparked calls by health experts to ban curries and beer.
Speaking via Twitter a virus expert tweeted: anyone who has a partner who has gone out on a pub crawl with the boys which finished at a curry house will know how dangerous this combination can be.
People are also asked to report all lift-lurkers to 0800PHEW as they may be super spreaders.
Lockdowns Explainer Editor.
The government is planning a lockdown to curb the outbreak of gun violence in Aotearoa.
Speaking from her Facebook bunker deep in the bowels of the Beehive, a very concerned Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, emphasised the need to curb this very tricky gun variant before it gets too far out of control.
“Most people will have noticed,” she said, “that there is on average one shooting a day in Aotearoa.
“Computer modelling has shown shootings could balloon to one an hour if nothing is done. Deaths could be in the hundreds of thousands.
“A Level Four lockdown will commence this coming Friday at midnight.
“Mask wearing will be banned and all Gangs will have their HQ fortresses welded shut for the duration.
“Special ‘Be kind don’t shoot anyone’ signs will be placed at hundred metre intervals along all major highways.
“A hundred million dollar budget has been set aside for ad agencies to create more life-saving messages.
“No expense will be spared to keep my team of 5 million safe”, she said.
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