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During a heartfelt tearful apology, the owner of Stuff Ltd confirmed that historically, the news organisation was full of systemic lies, exaggerations and unmitigated nonsense.
“We have been lying and smearing for centuries,” she said.
Sinead Boucher also used the apology to announce she was returning her media empire to its rightful owners – iwi Maori elite.
“Centuries of injustice will be put right”, she said. “Actions speak louder than any mealy mouthed apology.”
She is also returning her house to a dispossessed Maori family living in emergency accommodation. She will be moving back to Ireland early in the new year.
It is expected the owners of the New Zealand Herald will be following suit.
In other news, the Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, announced the creation of a roving trade ambassador to accompany her on the long list of overseas trips she will be making next year.
Ardern explained that as an agender and body modifier, Singular-ALA is a perfect representation of what her vision of the future for Aotearoa is.
Singular-ALA has a doctorate in Gender Studies, which Labour regards as the essential qualification needed for negotiating trade deals world wide.
Ardern pointed out that Singular-ALA brings a unique perspective to world trade and she was sure world leaders everywhere will be listening attentively to all conversations Singular has with them.
It is expected Singular-ALA will be doing most of the negotiations as Jacinda Ardern will be tied up with the more important work of media interviews and photoshoots for women’s magazines.
It has been decided that Foreign Minister Nanaia Mahuta will not accompany them as she has a very busy few years ahead of her setting up separate development in local bodies throughout the country.
Jacinda Ardern also addressed the thorny question of toilet paper poverty amongst the most vulnerable and less fortunate in society.
She thanked all the teenage girls who had written heart rending letters and made her aware of the problem.
She has allocated $50m for an inquiry and set up a handpicked team of twenty to report back sometime before the next election.
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