Welcome everyone to America’s greatest horse race. It’s great to see so many people here watching. I’m sure this is going to be one of the greatest spectacles of all time.
Heading up tonight’s field are the two favourites, Creepy Joe out of Dementia Basementium and Orange Man out of BigTanBad. Creepy Joe is looking a little sleepy at the moment but he has great handlers and we know he can sneak a win if he remembers what he is here for.
Orange Man is looking bright and breezy despite his recent brush with the vet. By all accounts he was treated with a new drug, whose legality is yet to be determined but he sure looks fine tonight. His golden mane flowing in the cool air.
Hunter’s Crack has unfortunately been scratched due to a failed drug test. The owners of Creepy Joe have denied any responsibility. They say that they have no knowledge about anything Hunter’s Crack does, even though Hunter’s Crack is reportedly sired by Creepy Joe by way of Jill’s Folly.
There are sure to be fireworks from Hotlips Harris but it seems that Pernicious Pence is keeping a low profile tonight. Special Kanye is looking mighty fit tonight but at one billion for the win, he is definitely an outsider.
Well we’re under starter’s orders folks. The thoroughbreds are in their stalls, Creepy Joe has been given the inside lane by the the directors here at CNN and Orange Man will start from the outside lane. He’s likely to struggle from there but this is a horse with a huge heart and he has no intention of being fired after tonight’s race.
Get those bets in folks, it’s all about to go down.
AND WE’RE OFF. Orange Man takes off with great gusto. Quickly followed by Creepy Joe. Orange Man is all over the field but he’s making a great run. Special Kanye doesn’t seem to be taking this too seriously. What on earth? He’s taking a selfie! That horse has no shame.
As we come up to the first hurdle Creepy Joe is gaining on Orange Man. What! Special Kanye seems to have given up at the first obstacle. Well he certainly couldn’t be described as a stayer. JoJo Genson is running neck and neck with None Of These Candidates. But it’s getting close up front.
Orange Man and Creepy Joe are trading the lead, Hotlips Harris seems to be down on her knees, is there nothing she won’t do to help out ole Creepy Joe? What a fine filly she is. Pernicious Pence is stumbling along mindlessly in the back of the field but up front, it’s a super tight race.
Whoa! Creepy Joe just sidestepped something on the track. I can’t quite see what it is, wait, is that a laptop? Someone needs to hide that quick smart before it does any more damage. Ohh, one of the rail judges has grabbed the laptop and chucked it in the ditch next to all those envelopes from the military base. Good job that man, no-one will find it there.
Ohh, what a race. We’re coming down to the final furlong and it’s neck and neck. Orange Man and Creepy Joe are fighting tooth and nail to cross the line first. BUT WAIT! Here comes Big Blue Voter Fraud.
Big Blue Voter Fraud is making a last ditch stand. I’ve never seen such a strong push in the last few hundred yards. Can he do it? Can he do it? HE’S SURELY GONNA DO IT! Big Blue Voter Fraud is close, he’s powering down the home stretch, he’s close, oh what heart, what passion, what a supreme effort.
Creepy Joe is taking real heart from the push coming from Big Blue Voter Fraud, he’s inching ahead but Orange Man is still fighting hard, Orange Man is looking strong, Orange Man putting in a final spurt. Creepy Joe is starting to struggle, It’s Orange Man. It’s Orange Man. Can he go the distance?
But Big Blue Voter Fraud is right behind Orange Man, it’s so close now you couldn’t call it. OHHH, BIG BLUE VOTER FRAUD HAS ANKLE-TAPPED ORANGE MAN!
Orange Man stumbles, he’s so close to the line, can he make it? Creepy Joe is given a huge boost. He reaches for the line, Big Blue Voter Fraud seems to be nudging Creepy Joe forward. Orange Man throws his considerable bulk forward to the line!!!
Oh what a race! Did Big Blue Voter Fraud end up helping Creepy Joe win? I’m sorry folks it’s too close to call, we’re going to have to go to a photo finish.
Wait, what’s this? Claims of interference from the Orange Man stable.
Both Orange Man and Creepy Joe are heading for the winner’s circle. But we’re hearing the Winner’s Circle officials are all heading home for a rest. Looks like this one will end up in an Inquiry. Oh boy, the Stewards have their work cut out for them with this one.
Well we’ll let you know who won in a few weeks. Don’t throw your ballots in a ditch just yet folks, you might’ve won big.
Well thanks for watching folks, that sure was a hell of a race. I hope we’ll see you in four years time when we look to have some promising new contenders.
Obviously, Creepy Joe will have long since been put out to pasture by then but I wouldn’t bet against Orange Man still being around. Won’t Quit Clinton is likely to still be trying to get into the race and I hear rumours of some exciting talent coming through. Mighty McEnany going up against Naughty Nikki which will be a race that should get any red-blooded stud chomping at the bit, and MichaelSlashMichelle will be hard to beat as long as ‘she’ can keep her testosterone levels down.
So thanks for tuning in folks. It’s a real shame we can’t bring you a definitive result but there definitely seems to be some shenanigans going on here. Still, I guess that’s what you expect with America’s Biggest Race.
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