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This is a transcript of yesterday’s TVNZ Morning Wokefest show interview by Jack Lamebell with Prime Minister Jonginda Ildern
Jack Lamebell
Greetings everyone, we have an honoured guest on our show today. She used to appear regularly but lately has been very busy running everything fast and hard or is that hard and fast? Naturally, I present to you, newly declared Prime Minister for life, Jonginda Ildern. Welcome Prime Minister.
Jonginda Ildern
Thanks, Jack. It is always a pleasure to be interviewed by nice wokes like yourself. (Sound of a huge manufactured smile being cracked in a fry pan of hot condescension). By the way, it is usually hard and early but hard and fast is really more my style. After all, whatever I decide to do comes quickly.
Jack Lamebell.
Aw gee, Prime Minister it’s always a pleasure (Sound of what could be copious drooling). Golly gosh, you’ve been really busy for the country of late. Getting statues of vicious colonialism removed by gangs of wokers and just plain gangs and replaced with those of your favourites of Muslim leaders, Maori tribal heads, Greta Thunberg, Karl Marx and yourself.
Jonginda Ildern
Yes, to be frank, and I toadally mean that, it is a tiring and exhausting but necessary job. Cleansing New Zillund of the terrible impurities of its tainted western colonial past is a dirdy job but someone had to do it and I am that person. I have us on a pure path, on our way to a glorious future, underpinned by firm but kind, always kind, socialist values.
Jack Lamebell.
Gosh. Well, thanks for that Prime Minister. I think I speak for most if not all in Aotearoa in saying that those statues of you are impressive. They are just huge. I believe a senior reporter from Stuff The Truth measured just one tooth in the mouth of one at 2 metres long before the statue was erected.
Jonginda Ildern
I toadally reject that!
Jack Lamebell.
But, but, they held a tape measure against it. It was two metres.
Jonginda Ildern
Oh, the tooth. Yes of course. Naturally, I wanted only modest statues of myself so I set the limit at two metres per tooth. My achievements on the world stage and in women’s magazines are huge enough so the statues are secondary.
Jack Lamebell.
I’m sorry, what were you rejecting?
Jonginda Ildern
Um, oh, ah yes. It was the notion of erecting. We cannot let the terminology of the patriarchy into New Zillun speech and communication. Sorry, gosh, I am so busy I forgot its Aotearoa now isn’t it? Anyhow, any more mentioning of erecting and the Minister of prop…um ah, broadcasting will be having a word with you. As you know the hate speech laws have been reinforced by Bandrew Liddle to prevent anything bad being said about me, the Government, the Labour Party or anything or anyone I like and approve. Free speech is very important to me.
Jack Lamebell.
You’ll have to excuse me but have I misunderstood? It doesn’t sound very free to me.
Jonginda Ildern
That Jack is why I am Prime Minister and you are merely an approved and very well-liked member of my media. (Sound of a media head being patted).Naturally, speech must be free but some speech must be more free and other speech less free. Free speech is a relativistic entity that needs good socialist parameters. Free speech is all very well and good but mine, I assure you, is the best money can buy.
Jack Lamebell.
If I may, can we discuss you declaring yourself Prime Minister for life? That was, if I may say, a controversial move in the eyes of some.
Jonginda Ildern
Some may say that Jack (Sound of someone leaning forward and likely staring hard) and I’d like to know who they are, but as you know among my many virtues such as going hard and fast or early is also being very efficient and a perfectionist. We formed a working group involving the Greens, The League of University Young Communists, Extinction Rebellion primary school children and the newly formed Ministry of PoLMMoTY and decided elections and campaigning and all the complication around that was inefficient and a waste of time as I was going to win all elections for our party for the foreseeable future and beyond.
Jack Lamebell.
Newly formed Ministry of PoLMMoTY? That is news to me. When did that happen and was does that stand for?
Jonginda Ildern
That was formed last night as was the woking… um, ah I mean, working group. As you know I move hard and fast. It means Polynesian Lives Matter More Than Yours. As you know that has been de facto in the health system for ages so really it is just a rubber stamp of officialdom.
Jack Lamebell.
Gosh, you are totally amazing Prime Minister. I actually feel warm and fuzzy just thinking about it as I am sure all New Zealanders will also. One thing though, critics might ask the question of shouldn’t this have been debated in the House and perhaps even through a select committee first?
Jonginda Ildern
Well, I can’t answer that on the fly as it’ll take grader claridy before I can answer. In fact, I toadally reject it until claridy occurs.
Jack Lamebell.
Do you think being recently declared Prime Minister for life by yourself has been a controversial move?
Jonginda Ildern
Oh, possibly to the uninformed. But listen Jack, I am the most popular PM in history. Women’s magazines run ardicles on me and I have photos galore published of me. Fan boys and girls have written books about me. American news anchors at minor stations have cooed over me and baby, well not so much a baby now, but you know what I mean. I’ve given glorious speeches at the UN, sometimes to audiences of a dozen or more without once slipping in a ‘comrade’ or two. I make ‘Captain’s calls’ that are just plain amazing. Certainly, the Labour Caucus and the Party Executive is amazed. I am adored at Pacific Island conferences before I dole out millions of New Zealand taxpayer money. The country adores me. Well mostly. OK, those nasties on that right-wing extremist site, the Big Facts Digest, might not say much good but who cares? The hate speech law enhancements have created grader claridy about what they can say and can’t.
Jack Lamebell.
Excellent! What exactly can they say now?
Jonginda Ildern
Nothing. Well, mostly next to nothing.
Jack Lamebell.
Wow! Thanks, Prime Minister. I think we can all sleep better at night now. Prime Minister for life is a great achievement. Thanks again for coming in to the studio.
Jonginda Ildern
It is always a pleasure Jack, as always. You know I love talking to you fine people on the Wokefest Show.
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