Stuff has an article with the headline Dear Jacinda: Questions about New Zealand from a couple of confused UK tourists. In it, a number of questions were asked but not answered, so as a public service and to show the “confused” Poms just how friendly and helpful we are in NZ, here are the answers to some of your questions.
Question one: Why are your chickens blue?
Our chickens are blue because they live in a swamp which means that they are always cold. Their Maori name is Pukeko which roughly translated means Tasty Hangi fried Blue Chicken. The British when they first discovered the swamp hen created their own special recipe for it, which has been passed down from generation to generation.
Here is the recipe:
How to Cook a Pukeko or Swamp Hen.
First, shoot or strangle your pukeko and then pluck it. Fill a large kerosine tin with water; drop in one large stone and the pukeko. Boil until the stone is soft.
Then throw away the pukeko and eat the stone. Extremely delicious.
Question two: What on earth is a cheese roll?
Cheese rolls are a very special quick and easy Kiwi treat that most of us remember from our childhood.
They look like this:
Here is the recipe:
- 250g tasty cheddar cheese, grated
- 1 large onion, finely chopped
- 200ml evaporated milk
- 1/2 packet onion soup powder
- 1/2 loaf sandwich bread
Mix the cheese, onion, soup powder and evaporated milk together in a small saucepan.
Melt over a gentle heat, stirring until you have a thick smooth mixture.
Allow the cheese mixture to cool a little before spreading generously over the bread slices.
Roll the bread slices up into logs and then place on a baking tray.
Grill, turning as needed until golden brown.
Question three: What is the Wind Wand in New Plymouth? Is it a giant lamp?
No, of course it isn’t, silly. As you know New Zealand is the natural habitat of hobbits, dwarves, elves and wizards. The wand was left there by Dumbledore when Harry and Hermione last had a showdown with she who cannot be named…the wicked witch from the left… Helen Clark.
Question four: Can Jacinda Ardern also be our Prime Minister?
Absolutely! Please take her with you when you leave. Don’t worry about NZ being left rudderless and without strong leadership as we won’t even notice that she has gone…honest.
Question five: Also jandal, where did that comes from? They’re flip flops.
Jandals is the correct name as we do not name things based on how they sound (that would be silly). They are Japanese sandals and the inventor of them copied what he saw in Japan. Luckily for us all he made them out of soft rubber instead of wood. He simply put the letter J for Japan in front of the word sandal and there you have it, comfortable summer wear that goes flip flop as you walk.
Question six: Why don’t you have trains between cities?
Because New Zealand grew organically and unlike the city of Melbourne, our cities were not planned with train travel in mind. Trains are old technology anyway and only poor people use them and the occasional Leftie to virtue signal. Most Kiwis walk everywhere in gumboots or drive their diesel utes when they have a reasonable distance to cover.
What we do provide is transport for those who like to live dangerously and who are not averse to knocking down pedestrians. They are called Green e-scooters. You should try one. Don’t worry about wearing a helmet. Helmets are for people who value their brains and anyone silly enough to want to use one of these scooters has nothing worth protecting.