A long-time reader and sometimes commenter read an article by Abigail Johnson with the headline How do you keep going in a world that hates women? and was deeply saddened with what it revealed about the writer’s low opinion of males’ attitudes towards women.
If you’re a woman who wants equality you best not have breasts.
villainesse.com/girl-power/how-do-you-keep-going-world-hates-women?
Alright, you can have them, but they should be small, though not flat, and you should hide them under a bin liner if you have any decency.
[…] You should style your hair in a way that doesn’t draw attention but – my god – don’t cut it off, are you a raving woman’s libber? Or a lesbian? Don’t be blonde either – I thought you wanted equality?
You should look the same with and without makeup, which means to say you should be good looking. Don’t be beautiful though, that’s distracting, and you certainly mustn’t have the audacity to be HOT.
But don’t go makeup-free. Makes it seem like you’re pushing an agenda.
[…] Oh, and go get on birth control. Something discreet, doesn’t matter the side effects. Take it in secret. If you must discuss it, do so in your little women’s corners. But don’t discuss it, you shameless sluts. Also, please whip your pubes off.
The following article is the reader’s satirical response.
How do you keep going in a world that hates men?
If you’re a man who wants equality you’d best not have a penis. Alright, you can have one, but it should be average, not large, or small, and you should hide it under baggy pants if you have any decency.
Also… you probably shouldn’t use skin care products as women want a man, not a girly-boy who uses moisturiser and stuff! You should style your hair in a way that doesn’t draw attention but – my god – don’t dye it, what are you trying to hide? Don’t be bald either and for god’s sake do not ever wear a wig!
You should be good looking. Don’t be handsome though, that’s distracting and will make women suspect that you are gay. You certainly mustn’t have the audacity to be HOT because that probably just means that you’re an asshole.
Also, this goes without saying, but you really shouldn’t yell. Just, like – why is this so hard for you to grapple? Be chill. Oh, and go get yourself surgically sterilised. Something discreet, it doesn’t matter about the side effects. A swollen scrotum and potential life-long twinges are no big deal you pansy.
Get it done in secret. If you must discuss it, do so in your little men’s corners but don’t discuss it, you shameless asshole. Also, please wax your back hair. Be ready for sex at any time but don’t have sex with just anyone because no-one likes a man-whore.
If a woman wants you to put out on the first night do so or your manhood will be called into question and she won’t respect you. Model your sexual ability off historical romance novels but don’t ever admit to reading them if you want to be taken seriously.
Don’t be a pornstar but be ready to give it to her hard and fast if she wants it. Don’t EAT meat for god’s sake. No self-respecting woman wants to date with a man who enjoys ordering a steak. There’s nothing hotter than a Vegan man digging into a salad.
Be inexplicably muscular though. And don’t be hot, remember? Know about cool things, like the latest reality TV and disposable pop music. But don’t know too much – the woman would like to explain them. She would also like to explain the patriarchy and reproductive rights, and a man’s inherited gender guilt to you. Hear her out!
Oh, and when a woman parrots your idea it will be taken seriously, okay? When it comes out of a woman’s mouth it just… comes off credible, you know? But that’s YOUR idea she’s touting! You should be proud! Also – you’re gonna love this – women are a lot like babies. We know how much you guys love babies! As the joke goes, your wife is your biggest kid. I mean, not when it comes to the boardroom or job interviews or finances or ambitious career opportunities. Just, like when it comes to the garage.
Let’s put it this way: she is more capable than you are in every professional sense, but she’ll be flummoxed when she sees a spark plug. That’s why she is an AA member and can’t change a tyre. Help her out!
Oh, also, other men are your enemy. There are very few spots at the top for you lot, and the only way to get there is to knock each other down. We set it up this way, of course, as we’d like to keep you killing each other so you don’t channel your righteous indignation at the enemy you men have in common. Forget I said that. Anyway, it would be best if you basically hated all the other men in your life. You can hate them in secret, that’s fine. Just be jealous of their accomplishments and don’t ever try to help them out in any…
– HEY. STOP. Do not lift each other up! WAIT! Do not band together! STOP THAT! DO NOT SUPPORT EACH OTHER! DO NOT dismantle the system that keeps you oppressed! You love it this way! WE love it this way! DO NOT directly challenge the matriarchy with your relentless self-worth. We profit off your hatred of self! DO NOT commiserate over shared experience! We prefer it when you consider yourself different from other men!
KEEP KILLING YOURSELVES! WAIT! DO NOT form a resistance! DO NOT stand with your brothers! DO NOT demolish matriarchy! Why can’t you just be grateful for the meagre crumbs we’ve served you? Bloody men.
