Been sprung? Compromising video circulating around social media? Introducing Tory Whanau’s foolproof plan for getting yourself out of the shit.

Admit to wrongdoing

Admit to doing something wrong but be as vague as possible. Be sure to use phrases like ‘to my great embarrassment’ or ‘to my deep shame’. Bonus points if you use more than one.

Play the victim card

Put the blame on something you can say you have no control over, such as an addiction. For example alcoholism, meth addiction (actually, maybe not that), gambling, beloved pet dog passing away etc.

Say you’ve sought help

Say you’ve sought help, support and advice from close friends and family whanau. It’s important to also say you’re seeking professional help even though you aren’t.

Admit to having flaws

Here simply say that you’re only human or something similar. Remember you’re a flawed human being and, like everyone else, you’re not perfect.

Play the ambassador

‘Reach out’ to others by painting yourself as an example of how they too can seek help.

Ask for privacy

Lastly, to get everyone off your back, ask for ‘privacy’ while you wait for everything to blow over, I mean ‘get the help that you need’.

There you have it. Follow this plan and you’ll never have to worry about climbing your way out of trouble ever again. What’s more, if you’re a member of a minority, you’ll also score the sympathy of the media.

And in case you’re wondering, none of the above applies if you’re a middle-aged white male. You’ll just end up looking like a bullshit artist trying to slime his way out of trouble.


Libertarian and pragmatic anarchist. Has voted National and ACT. May have voted Labour once but too long ago to remember. Favourite saying: “There but for the grace of God go I.”