It has now become clear why our children’s literacy rates are plummeting.
Teachers are spending their class time showing students how to change the batteries in their dildos.
If you find that opening in poor taste then you might not want to read what is being taught to eleven-year-olds at Tauraroa Area School in Northland. Let’s just say it concerns the supposed ‘five different types of sex’ – only one of which is legal in Texas. I consider myself a man of the world but even I had to get out a pencil and paper and draw a little diagram to understand how one of them would work.
This ‘information’ in the form of a handout was brought home by a pupil and given to her shocked mother. The explanation from the school was that the teacher ‘recently completed a Family Planning course on teaching sexuality’, fully endorsed no doubt by our Ministry of Education.
Education has long ago fallen to the libertine Left. Fuelled by hippie fantasies of a free love utopia, they propagate a view of sex to young people that is hedonistic, unrealistic and could lead to some serious back trouble.
What’s needed is some push back. A ‘Conservative Guide to Sex and Relationships’ distributed to every school. So that lefty teachers can hide it in the resource cupboard next to the 1978 School Journals.
Hey, at least I tried.
SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS
These two things are almost directly antagonistic. If you are having ‘sex’ you are not in a relationship. Prostitutes and Charlie Sheen have sex. If you are in a relationship you ‘make love’ or if you are of a less romantic mind, ‘sleep together’. Of course, the two things are antagonistic in another way – after you’ve been married for twenty years you discover that no matter what you call it, you’d rather watch Top Gear USA than do it.
MASTURBATION
Masturbation is a nasty, filthy, shameful habit that almost everyone does. Just don’t do it too much. If you are missing meals that’s probably a bad sign.
PROMISCUITY
Sex between two people is a beautiful thing. Between three it’s fantastic. I stole that line from Woody Allen. It’s a good one but look what happened to him. Mia Farrow wasn’t down with the third person being her adopted teenage daughter. Better to keep sexual relations between yourself and one other person. Ideally your spouse. A faithful marriage has a lot to recommend it, not least knowing who to blame if you get a venereal disease. It is natural to fantasize about other people when making love. But try to choose someone with the same name as your spouse in case you ever yell it out.
REPRESS YOUR URGES
I know society and the media consider it a human rights issue if you don’t live out all your most sordid fantasies by your 18th birthday, but this is modern idiocy. Previously, we tried to resist our animal urges. If you’ve ever watched a documentary on orangutans you’ll see the wisdom of this. It was a good system: we put our pent up sexual energy into more important things – painting the Sistine Chapel, inventing vaccines, discovering America. Do you think Columbus would have braved the Atlantic if he had access to girls gone wild.com? He never would have left his room.
GENDER
Is a made up thing. Made up by weirdos (Kiwi, John Money take a bow) chiefly to explain their own inadequacies. There are just men, women and people who need psychological help to deal with reality. The clue is if you ever look down in the shower and see something you could hang your flannel on, you’re a boy. If not, you’re a girl.
RELATIONSHIPS
All women are crazy. All men are too. But men are predictably so: you coin their car and they’ll bounce your head off the bumper, you challenge them to write their name with a pencil between their arse cheeks and they’ll try. But women, women are an enigma wrapped in a riddle jammed down deep inside a Pierre Cardin handbag.
The key is understanding. Understand that men will never ever understand women and vice versa. Better to work out some sort of truce, mindful that both radical chauvinists and radical feminists end up alone with their dogs/cats and an extensive collection of Playboy back issues/dolls.
ADVICE
Don’t ask your teacher for advice. Do you think that old maid with the dangly earrings and a moustache knows anything about relationships? And don’t bother with Mr Wilson in the next class either – he’s been divorced twice and now only has an ‘internet relationship’ with a woman in the Philippines.
Ask your parents. They signed up for awkward questions when they had you. And you’re living proof that they both managed to get laid at least once.
PUBERTY
It’s not just you, everyone feels awkward during this difficult time. Except for the class clown, the guys in the first fifteen, all the netball girls, the school bully, the school beauty and the maths genius who’s already got a scholarship to Cambridge. Maybe it is just you. Well, the good thing about puberty is it’s over pretty quickly. But then again so is your life. You got twenty years tops between your last pimple and your first wrinkle.
So there’s no hurry to launch into adulthood. Enjoy not having to deal with sex and relationships. And don’t let any drag queen-loving, sex-obsessed, gender theory ideologue tell you otherwise.