Dateline Jacindagrad 25rd September 2021
Welcome back to Jacindagrad as we gradually ease our Covid-19 restrictions.
The spring flowers have been coming into bloom in our wonderful capital city, Jacindagrad. Unfortunately, very few people have seen this wonderful display as they have been in lockdown due to our ongoing outbreak of “The Disease”. We are not allowed to report on it by name in case it upsets one of our close trading nations. (Directive 15/21 from Mr Goosestepper).
The state high executioner Ms Chopitov had been redeployed to customer care, disease control as the need for executions has diminished due to the lockdown, the disease, and the curfew.
The death certificates must now state if the person had been within 50 metres of an infected person in the two weeks prior to death. This has shown that Jacindistan is top of the death rate for the disease and has pushed our beloved country to the top of the list for global aid with vaccinations.
The quarantine program was a huge success on many fronts, with arrivals to Jacindistan being able to experience traditional Jacindistani hospitality prior to their release into the country. Many have commented on the wonders of traditional cheese rolls and spaghetti sandwiches served with lashings of coleslaw and a delightful national dessert of tumbleover, a sweetmeat named after the famous Jacindistani ballerina. The security at the quarantine residences (usefully converted ex-army Nissan huts) was supplied by newly recruited homeless people. This reduced the number of homeless to near zero as they lived in at the quarantine centres. They were professionally trained in love, kindness and empathy as well as close combat security techniques by the company formed by our chancellor of finance Mr Dodgy-as.
Demonstrating our country’s world leadership in gender issues, a law is being introduced into Parliament to ban the use of the terms woman and man. In future, they will be described as Foetus Development Facilitator and Egg Fertilisation Agent in order to differentiate between them and people who designate themselves as a specific gender. However, people who wish not to refer to themselves as FDFs or EFAs will be allowed to self-identify on payment of the appropriate fee.
Returning to the subject of “The Disease“, citizens are still required to wear masks for the protection of others, but in a moment of inspiration, our dear leader, Mr. Goosestepper has decided that we must have a route back to a time when masks were not required. This was done against the advice of scientists, doctors, climate change promoters and PPE suppliers. Mr Goosestepper has decreed that this will be known as the nation’s Road to Demask us.
It has just been revealed that our foreign secretary, a lady who upholds proud indigenous traditions, was kidnapped whilst on an overseas mission. After a long period of negotiation with the terrorist group responsible, it was agreed that she would be released back into the care of our ambassador. This was achieved on payment of one million Jacindastani dollars by the kidnappers to our government. The kidnappers originally offered half a million, but this was successfully negotiated upwards.
The fairy dust production units have been working flat out to meet export orders. The French were very miffed when we cancelled their order for fairy dust and shipped the dust to New Zealand to meet exceptional demand.
These extra supplies of fairy dust were flown to New Zealand on a gilded state-owned chariot powered by two colourful unicorns. Unfortunately, the chariot returned with a previous batch of dust as apparently, it hadn’t worked. It was recalled on the grounds of being defective. On its return to Jacindistan it was tested, and it became apparent that it was in perfect working order. Apparently, the New Zealand prime minister hadn’t read the instructions on the grounds that no one tells her what to do.
Finally, remember, your ministry of truth is the one source of truth in the country, don’t believe the other sources.
PC Joke of the week
Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Jacinda Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and, with his vegetarian diet, he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
One that definitely passes the PC test:-
A young person self-defining as male and a non-binary person, but as it is a Friday self-defines as female were sitting together on a heathery hill in the mountainous part of a Celtic land (or it could be any country). They had been silent for a while; then the nonbinary said, “A penny for your thoughts.” The self-defined male was a bit bashful (although it is not up to us to interpret his emotional state), but he finally said, “Well, I was thinking’ how nice it would be if ye’d give me a wee bit of a kiss,” and, to be in line with modern thinking, produced a sheet of paper with a written request for a kiss printed on it. After both had signed the document, they exchanged a mouth-to-mouth contact. But the young person defining as male lapsed into a pensive mood (apologies for making assumptions) which lasted long enough for the non-binary to ask him, “What are ye thinking now?” To which the young person replied, “Well, I was hopin’ ye hadnae forgot the penny!”
Pinocchio award update
The Pinocchio awards have been postponed this year as one contestant was so far ahead it gave the other candidates little opportunity to catch up. The committee has therefore excluded Jacinda Ardern from entering this year’s competition but will review the situation later in the year.
Dateline London 26th September: –
The leader Mr Johnson revealed that he had fathered 7ish children, this was a surprising revelation as it was thought impossible for 5 women to find him attractive.
In a press release from the National Statistics office – the one source of truth, it was disclosed that the National Anti-Complacency League had doubled its membership to 15.
A University research paper into cannibalism revealed that good looking people were disposed of first as the survivors didn’t want competition for partners when they were rescued. Professor Nora Bone also revealed that post rescue the survivors had an aversion to kissing.
Intelligence Report
There has still been no evidence of intelligence found in the governance of the UK this week. News flash: – it has been announced that this week was the first time the intelligence in government measure (IGM) fell below zero.
Please share this BFD article so others can discover The BFD.