School Lunches Explainer Editor
Broadcasting from her Newshub/Facebook bunker, the Minister for School Lunches, Jacinda Ardern, announced new measures to ensure children will eat the ‘wholesome’ lunches supplied by the State.
“The ungrateful little minxes are obviously not hungry enough,” she said, “so we will be rushing through legislation under urgency to to ban parents from giving their kids breakfasts.”
“Going to to school hungry will sharpen children’s minds and make them more appreciative of what they are given.”
“To show that we are not just all stick, carrots will also be part of the lunch menu.”
According to a Ministry of Education spokes-she-they-person, an added incentive will be NCEA credits for eating a state-supplied lunch – another world first for this progressive, number one, world-leading government.
The stories of massive truancy caused by children not wanting to be force-fed state lunches are just another dog-whistling racist far-right conspiracy theory according to the government korero-person at Stuff – so that’s that then.
Stuff Explainer Editor:
The owner and superstar-feminist publisher of the internationally acclaimed and award-winning Stuff, has announced that her publications will no longer run editorials as they are a leftover evil construct of systemic racism, white supremacy, white privilege and male patriarchy.
All her leader writers will now spend their time more usefully employed howling at the moon.
“Just as we have shown,” she said, “that news no longer has a place in my publications – so independent thought and opinion also belong on the scrapheap of history.”
“We want to focus on the more lucrative collaborative approach of government re-education diktats and programmes for the masses.”
Climate Change Explainer Editor:
Climate change minister James Shaw has quietly dropped his plans to tax all Aotearoans on their methane emissions for the time being. A flatulence tax was found to be inequitable.
A $100m scientific study into the flatulence problem found that vegetarians produced three times the amount of the dangerous greenhouse gas, methane, as meat-eaters.
“The tax would unfairly target Green party members and their supporters,” he said.
“I will look at it again in 2030 – the deadline for banning all meat production in the tribal republic of Aotearoa – by then we will be all vegetarians together”.