Michael Wood Explainer Editor
Speaking from the government’s Facebook/Newshub broadcasting bunker, the Minister of Transport, Michael Wood, publicly congratulated Kiwi Rail on its magnificent achievements with Te Huia – the rapid train express from Hamilton to Auckland.
While he said he didn’t want to take anything away from the Leadership Team at Kiwi Rail he thought that the recommendation from his mentor, Phil Twyford, that professional passengers should be employed was a major factor in the success.
“It’s a win-win all round”, he said, “thousands of people are permanently, gainfully employed as passengers – we have packed trains demonstrating the success of the Ardern progressive, transformative, government.”
The Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, who was also at the news briefing added that it was another world first for her – again she is ahead of the pack – to not only have paid full time passengers but have a train accompanied by a marching pipe band the length of its journey and be given a full Maori welcome each time passengers arrive in Auckland.
TWE International Art Critic:
Billions of dollars worth of European art are to be destroyed after it was pointed out that all the artists – mainly men, from the old masters and impressionists through to modern artists were, without exception, white supremacists, misogynists and racists, with large dollops of white privilege.
Billionaires, art museums and large international corporations – the majority owners of most of the art in question are distraught but resigned to the inevitable.
A spokesperson for the groups said, “while it’s painful financially we have to do what is right to fix the wrongs of the past.”
“Unfortunately it is too late for any of the artists to identify as black or women or both which would neatly solve the problem – so destroyed they must be.”
An exclusive panel comprising of ANTIFA and Black Lives Matter activists will oversee the destruction – experienced as they are in bonfires and arson.
Labour Thinking Explainer Editor:
In a special Tik Tok broadcast from Labour’s holiday hide-away in sunny Queensland, Damien O’Connor – Minister of Agriculture, Biosecurity and Rural Communities, announced today that all exports of agricultural produce are to be banned.
“Unfortunately,” he said, “CO2 emissions had recently increased dramatically due to the need to keep everyone warm by burning mega tonnes of coal to generate electricity.”
“The myriad of cycleway construction which had snarled up traffic causing cars to sit idling their motors for hours was also a major factor.”
“Getting rid of the extensive carbon miles inherent in exporting our agricultural produce is the obvious solution.”
While our policy of slowly strangling agriculture by withholding labour has been working – events have overtaken us so there is the urgent need to prevent another major international embarrassment for Jacinda – hence the ban.”
“Land not needed for agriculture will be repurposed for carbon credits – a win-win all round.
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