TWE Jacinda Ardern Explainer Editor:
Broadcasting from her Facebook Bunker, the Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern announced today the transmogrification of her Facebook channel to a fully integrated news outlet.
“Traditional news outlets are too negative,” she said, “and are continually asking me things which I know nothing about: which is ridiculous as I have often made it quite clear that ‘I know nuddin about anythink'”.
All Aotearoans will be expected to sign up – vaccinations will be conditional on a certificate downloaded from the site as a friend of Jacinda.
It will be news dedicated full time to kindness.
Approved high school girls will be employed full time as reporters: positivity will be the catch cry – another world first for our world-beating, hard and early PM.
Following the news, there will be an evening panel of preschool children in conversations with Jacinda about events of the day.
Virus So Tricky It Can’t Be Caught
A clearly frustrated PM, in her first News Special from the bunker, expressed her frustration about the trickiness of the elusive but ever-present Covid-19.
“Let me be quite clear,” she said, “everyone is as frustrated as I am that the potential super spreader didn’t spread.
“So in the interests of keeping you safe and de-frustrated, I will be issuing free vibrators to the most vulnerable and most in want.
“This is another world first, from my progressive government. Frustration is the last thing we need.”
When contacted; President Xi Jinping told The Woke Examiner China was gearing up to produce the millions of vibrators needed.
Jacinda also broached the rather sensitive topic of the maternal instinct she mentioned in a recent magazine article while explaining how she ruled Aotearoa.
“To clarify things,” she said, “previously, through our propaganda outlets, I have made it quite clear you don’t need to have had children to have maternalistic feelings: I didn’t imply that our women with penises don’t have maternal instincts – or our men with vaginas for that matter.
“Now that I have made that clear, further clarifications can be found on the Ministry of Health website.”
Another Children’s Book Cancelled.
Shhh! Don’t Wake The Baby, a children’s story about Jacinda Ardern’s little Neve Te Aroha, has been quietly removed from the bookshelves.
The secretive de-colonisation commission has decided that apart from the book being crushingly boring it has all the hallmarks of cultural appropriation (Te Aroha).
They also sniffed out white privilege (having a baby while earning half a million a year) while the illustrations of kiwiana glorified colonial cultural oppression – buzzy bees, caravans at the beach, kiwi mobiles etc.
The booksellers have agreed with the findings and the tonnes of books sitting in remainder bins around the country will be delivered to pulping centres pronto.
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