The Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern today declared a Credibility Emergency saying that the public’s belief in her to solve not only Aotearoa’s problems but the worlds was in severe danger.
In a Tik Tok video to the nation she said, “I am taking immediate action – otherwise in three years time you, my loyal supporters will be toast.”
“The recent riot over a fake free-money-scramble by you, my loyal supporters, shows the need for me to deliver on my aspirations of increased benefits, the end to child poverty, decent housing for all and the end of systemic racism, white privilege and sexism.
“It is my latest aspiration,” she said, “to make Santa shower the countryside with billions of dollars to achieve these aspirations.”
She explained, “Rather, than risk you, my loyal supporters, taking things into your own hands by rioting and helping yourselves to stuff, I have organised a team of young schoolgirls to text, flood social media and write letters to Santa demanding that he complies with my order.
“It is a matter of pulling the right levers in the correct order. As you might have guessed I didn’t get where I am today by pulling the wrong ones.”
Behind the scenes, The Woke Examiner’s assistant cub reporter, who now identifies as a woman, was CCed into a private zoom-video conference for the Ardern-sisters media team of $50m.
As part of the Credibility Emergency, Jacinda Ardern ordered the sisters to double down on past glories like her present-day COVID-19 world-beating success.
“My people at some stage will become very angry when they realise my promises were only aspirations – fake banknotes raining down on the gullible,” she said.
“But if it all turns to custard we can always blame Santa”.
“Continually reminding people how fortunate they were to have me as leader works wonders,” she said.
Ardern helpfully provided a list of trusted ‘world experts’ to chat with and provide an unending stream of ‘good news stories’.
She also explained the reason for her world-first, headline-grabbing kindness of giving Santa a special pass to visit Aotearoa without the need for quarantining.
It was to emphasise her overarching authority over everything and everyone. “I am number one”, she said. “The only source of truth. Keep on emphasising it,”
She also reminded the sisters of the official ruling that Santa was not to be called ‘Father Christmas’ as fathers as we know them will be obsolete under ‘The Great Reset’.
In other world news – unfortunately, Trump’s released-Kraken has been conveniently infected with COVID-19 and will be out of action for the foreseeable future.
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