At a press conference held in the People’s Palace, Jacindagrad, it was announced that as from today, the death penalty would be abolished for all offences committed in Jacindistan. The United Nations greeted this announcement with acclaim and commented that it heralded the advancement of Jacindistan into the modern world.
Al Jacinda were honoured to be granted a private, exclusive audience in his modest private office at the Apis centre with our dear leader, Mr Goosestepper. He explained that because of Jacindistan’s new full-term abortion law the death penalty was superfluous and as such would be expunged from the statute book. The current holder of the post of State High Executioner, Ms Chopitov would be retrained in obstetrics and transferred to the Ministry of Health, Well Being and General Warm Feelings.
He gave us a foretaste of his government’s programme for the next three years with a parting of the curtains on his Government’s housing policy. Full details of the programme will be announced from Patriot Square on Flying Pig day.
For people unacquainted with the history of Jacindistan, Flying Pig day celebrates the relief of the siege of Jacindagrad (previously known as St. Jazzburg) when in an act of desperation, the inhabitants catapulted the rotting corpses of slaughtered pigs into the midst of the advancing hordes. The corpses were infested with the plague, and an unknown disease of the respiratory tract originating in the distant far east, and within 24 hours the invaders were infected with the diseases, causing them to beat a speedy retreat into the far regions of the continent. This act of National Salvation is forever commemorated on Flying Pig day, the phrase “and pigs might fly” being commonly used whenever improbable outcomes are considered.
Also taking place this week was the inauguration of the National Monument, a small building depicting a retailer of cooked piscatorial and potato products mirroring the life of our National Hero, Saint Jazz. Demonstrating the traditional methods of fish frying and wrapping, each transaction will be accompanied by the correct way to say the regional slogan “would you like fries with that?” The building will replace the current occupant of the site, a statue of the despised colonial lackey, Muldoona. As this statue was a lifelike 5-foot-tall it required little effort to topple, unlike the attempts to remove the real Muldoona from power, which was described as prying a limpet from a rock. In a celebration of true thought, it will be forbidden in the future to refer to Muldoona, even in hateful terms. He and his impure policies are to be forever eradicated from the Nation’s history.
In an act of even-handedness, the statue of the first leader of socialism in colonial days, Mickey Ferocious will be relocated to a parking area at the rear of the Apis centre. It is thought that Mr. Goosestepper was concerned that too much respect was being given to the memory of the beloved Mickey Ferocious and this would detract from his own ongoing monumental achievements. This was ratified at the yet to be held annual convention.
To help with the news management in our beloved country, the government has established a Chair of Infinite Knowledge at Coffensplutter University. This will become the default source for fact checking and the approved source of science and information for the country.
PC Joke of the week
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?” The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant. And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
Meanwhile, in New Zealand the Government said that they would willingly help the rest of the world; as soon as they could solve the problem of methane emissions from cattle, effluent runoff into rivers, excessive rural bureaucracy, RMA demands and the adoption of electrically powered tractors after finding ways of getting the farmers to pay for it.
Pinocchio award update
The winner of the New Zealand Pinocchio award will be announced on October 18th after the post-election speeches given by the leaders of the political parties involved. This will give the contestants a last chance to be exceptionally creative as they make a final surge towards success in the competition.
Dateline London 12th October: –
It was announced today that future meetings of the SAGE COVID committee would be attended by the Astrologer Royal. The committee proclaimed that lockdowns would take place in the North on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays; in the South on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays; and in the Midlands on Thursdays. The regional Governments of Wales and Scotland announced that they would be having lockdowns, but on days which would cause most embarrassment to the Westminster government.
The government said that as the science used by the Astrologer Royal was beyond doubt it was, therefore “The Accepted Science”. Following the advice from the Astrologer Royal, workers would be given dispensations from the lockdowns to attend their place of work according to their star signs. Thus, for example, Sagittarians would be allowed dispensation on Mondays, Ariens on Tuesdays etc. This was confirmed by “The Accepted Science”. Finally, all workers would be compelled to stay at home on the 13th of each month as this was always an inauspicious date. These regulations will be policed by the Galactic Wardens Force identified by their Royal Purple hi-viz tabards. These regulations replaced the current ones promoted by the discredited statisticians.
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